You know, it is very important to feel safe. And for the longest time, I didn't feel that way. Maybe that is why I became a runner, as someone who doesn't feel safe with those closest to them.
My first bf hurt me, and I never quite trusted anyone fully anymore. All of my friends were on the "prude" side and so I couldn't open up about any real feelings I had. They would judge me very harshly, or I just wasn't close enough to talk about anything. Otherwise, even if I could get over the judging, I was afraid of the lack of privacy involved with telling them. AKA they are blabbermouths if I trusted them enough. And privacy is something I value a lot, and once someone breaks that, I do not ever feel safe with them again.
But now for the first time, I feel safe. Sure, there are plenty of haters and people I may be scared of, but one action stood out very much and I could not control the sense of security that I felt that I missed oh-so-much.
I was in Erik's room, and as we were watching Blair Witch, K came in the room. He said a derogatory statement about girls, something along the lines of "I don't respect them, I just take them and fuck them." That line made me super uncomfortable, and all I could think of was the lack of respect and hurt feelings from my first boyfriend and being used by G for sex every time before he decides to break up with me. It always felt wrong, like a "Fuck them until you're good and then leave", and I can't believe I trusted him after.
But enough about that, I am talking about the K story. He made it worse by grabbing my legs after that while repeating that sentiment. I think I was having a panic attack during and after. I couldn't breathe right. Everything felt heavy and everything around me started spinning. I felt like I was choking on my own tongue. I wanted to throw up, but I just sat there, immobilized by fear. I think I squeezed M at that time, but I'm not completely sure. It was all kind of a blur.
I think it took a while for me to process that I was scared, so after K left and I was left in silence to actually think, it kind of hit me hard that it was probably a panic attack. And so I held on to M for dear life, as a support system.
K walked back in later, and took a step towards me, and I tensed up. M noticed and used his body as a shield. Sure it was a single leg and a single arm, but I don't think I have ever felt safer. Sure, I felt the fear creeping up from the sight of K in the same position as earlier, but most of it was kept at bay by just hearing and seeing M's response. Why do you make me feel so safe? I don't know, but I do feel that way, and for that, thank you sooooooo much.
And just as I started this post, a great song came on. So, "I will love you unconditionally" 💗
My first bf hurt me, and I never quite trusted anyone fully anymore. All of my friends were on the "prude" side and so I couldn't open up about any real feelings I had. They would judge me very harshly, or I just wasn't close enough to talk about anything. Otherwise, even if I could get over the judging, I was afraid of the lack of privacy involved with telling them. AKA they are blabbermouths if I trusted them enough. And privacy is something I value a lot, and once someone breaks that, I do not ever feel safe with them again.
But now for the first time, I feel safe. Sure, there are plenty of haters and people I may be scared of, but one action stood out very much and I could not control the sense of security that I felt that I missed oh-so-much.
I was in Erik's room, and as we were watching Blair Witch, K came in the room. He said a derogatory statement about girls, something along the lines of "I don't respect them, I just take them and fuck them." That line made me super uncomfortable, and all I could think of was the lack of respect and hurt feelings from my first boyfriend and being used by G for sex every time before he decides to break up with me. It always felt wrong, like a "Fuck them until you're good and then leave", and I can't believe I trusted him after.
But enough about that, I am talking about the K story. He made it worse by grabbing my legs after that while repeating that sentiment. I think I was having a panic attack during and after. I couldn't breathe right. Everything felt heavy and everything around me started spinning. I felt like I was choking on my own tongue. I wanted to throw up, but I just sat there, immobilized by fear. I think I squeezed M at that time, but I'm not completely sure. It was all kind of a blur.
I think it took a while for me to process that I was scared, so after K left and I was left in silence to actually think, it kind of hit me hard that it was probably a panic attack. And so I held on to M for dear life, as a support system.
K walked back in later, and took a step towards me, and I tensed up. M noticed and used his body as a shield. Sure it was a single leg and a single arm, but I don't think I have ever felt safer. Sure, I felt the fear creeping up from the sight of K in the same position as earlier, but most of it was kept at bay by just hearing and seeing M's response. Why do you make me feel so safe? I don't know, but I do feel that way, and for that, thank you sooooooo much.
And just as I started this post, a great song came on. So, "I will love you unconditionally" 💗
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