Vent

Funny word.
It used to be our code word for when we needed to talk to each other.
Sorry. Correction. When he needed to yell at me about something I was doing wrong.

But that is exactly what I did on the same night that I messed up.
I went to Erik's room to explain the messed up situation.

And then I started saying something,

"And I hate how G... wait nevermind I shouldn't be saying this"

But he told me it was ok to vent, just like Sue told me I shouldn't  be afraid to say my feelings, especially not to the LOML.

So I did.

It was weird at first, full of regrets (I shouldn't be this angry) full of outburst (WHYYYYYYY) full of emotion (*tears streaming down face dragging makeup with it).

But I felt worse, then better, after.

I ended up sleeping over, which I probably shouldn't have, but I felt too drained and empty to move.

I never quite understood how other people could say such shit about others and then feel better after because I never really did it. I berate myself in those as much because I shouldn't be this hateful, but I also don't know how to be hurt. I turn sadness in to anger, and I realize that, and I guess that is a good thing because that is the first step to figuring it out, but I have no clue how to fix it. I just want to be more "zen". Be calmer, less hating, more loving. I'm trying, but sometimes it feels soooooooo good to vent.

But sometimes, I'm worried I'm going to let off too much steam and it will leave some people with 2nd degree burns.