Failure

I know I was angry and I hate myself for it. Why do I put up that front? Because I am sad. Maybe just as sad as Erik, maybe more, maybe less. We all have our pain points, and my points come from some people, and I am other people’s points. The world goes around in its own way and fucks up people everywhere.

I don’t mean to hurt people but sometimes I do. I’m so scared someone else will be next. A tryst always has room for disaster setting in.

Dating within a friend group is such a hassle, but you can’t choose who you fall for. 4 members of squad have professed some sort of feelings since the beginning of the school year, and I am a bit overwhelmed. I don’t see it. I’m not worth it. I am a magnet for trouble after 3 (5?) failed relationships, I am the common denominator, the only link behind the pain and suffering on either end of the relationship.

 I hurt one of those 4 people unknowingly during 3 tries at a relationship. I should have kept it ended the first time I broke up with him. And why did I have to go to the movies with that other guy right before I broke up with Gianna? I was going as friends and he wanted more, and apparently, I led him on and he’s also been told to avoid me, but of course, he doesn’t. I was just used to being that open, because like he said for the years prior, “A relationship between us would never happen or even work.” So why did that suddenly change in his head when I went to college? And maybe it was the fact that I told Gianna a couple weeks earlier that he was being distant, and I felt just as hurt and ignored as when I told him I wasn’t doing ok, but I went and spun some stories. I made myself go back to freshman year of high school when I was kind of crushing on this other movie guy and spun everything into a happily ever after story. I made myself think I still liked him after the movie just to make my decision to break up with Gianna even more steadfast. Deep down I knew I didn’t really like him though, ugh. Why do I lie to myself the most?

 I fell for the sweetest guy in the group, and I’m happy to say the feeling is mutual. But I have hurt the most open of the group because he asked me out a solid 2 weeks before the official start of this relationship. I feel like I fucked up and hurt everyone around me more, but I don’t know how to fix it because I hate going back to being sad, depressed, and lonely. I am further reminded of how I am a failure. I can't control my emotions and then hurt others. FAILURE