I have an orgo test in another 30 minutes, and I have no clue what I am doing in that class so FML. But honestly, I took another look at myself and want to throw up.
Grey's Anatomy. Season 2 Episode 17. As We Know It.
Meredith goes for danger, holding the bomb in her hand. She reached for disaster and is a magnet for all sorts of bad shit, and honestly, I am the same. I bring about disaster, hate, disappointment in everyone around me.
I am a disappointment to my parents. I have had a relationship. I have had physical contact which went a lot further than everyone expected. I am not the fucking role model they expect me to be for everyone in the fucking temple. I don't want to be that person because all she does is study and respect. I don't want to be alienated by everyone there anymore, but it is too late for that. I fucked up and have shunned myself. I've failed them.
I am hated by all of my friends who get close to me. Squad A either hates me or doesn't really talk to me. Squad B IDK if they know all of whatever is going on, but the only person who really talks to me is the psychopath. Squad C is probably in the dark about what happened and they still talk to me openly.
I feel like I have brought on disaster to the one person who I care most about right now. He was yelled at by Erik and I had no clue. I feel so bad, feeling like I'm on a cart and he is tied to the back right now and he is just dragging in the back, scratched up, bruised, brutally hurt and eventually killed.
I am hated by someone who I couldn't say no to, and I don't know how to fix that with all of the bad shit that could have happened had I said no. I didn't want that relationship, and I'm so sorry I went into it. Fuck me. I have lied to everyone around me about it. The only person who knew originally was Ky because she is bae and he really wanted her to know. But before he met her, I told her that I was weird in the relationship and I wanted to end it because he wasn't what I wanted, and he smooth talked his way in and she said, "Cool, he's a good one." And then proceeded to say about the one I really wanted, "Gah he's super cute. I'd date him if I didn't have my boyfriend." I know girl, I know.
Might as well pick up that fucking bomb and squeeze. I just want to end all of that. Everyone would be happier without me. Actually, that's not true. I can't even fucking die in peace. I would hurt the one who I love, but maybe make everyone else a little happier. The "psycho bitch" who manages to "manipulate everyone in sight" wouldn't hurt anyone else this way. At least this way the "most fucked up person ever" won't be around to fuck up anyone else. I can be the "slut" who will "burn in hell" and it will be ok.
Fuck that might have been too much. Agh!
Fuck it!
JUST FUCK FUCK FUCK CFU-SDS=GSJLKDG
I WFSOFNVOKMNOKGHOWIDJFLK SDF
I DONT KNOW ANYMORE
FIX ME
I WANNA BE WHOLE AGAIN
BLEH JS[G
SIDGSD
GAH
MEH
BOOP
damnit
Can I go back to being just physically ill instead of mentally ill? It would be easier. Maybe the cysts already inside of me can become cancerous and I can die of natural causes since I can't go on birth control anyways.
Fuck I wanna die, but I don't. I live for the love around me. So instead I may just vomit at the thought of myself, and focus on the fucking gorgeous flowers outside.
Grey's Anatomy. Season 2 Episode 17. As We Know It.
Meredith goes for danger, holding the bomb in her hand. She reached for disaster and is a magnet for all sorts of bad shit, and honestly, I am the same. I bring about disaster, hate, disappointment in everyone around me.
I am a disappointment to my parents. I have had a relationship. I have had physical contact which went a lot further than everyone expected. I am not the fucking role model they expect me to be for everyone in the fucking temple. I don't want to be that person because all she does is study and respect. I don't want to be alienated by everyone there anymore, but it is too late for that. I fucked up and have shunned myself. I've failed them.
I am hated by all of my friends who get close to me. Squad A either hates me or doesn't really talk to me. Squad B IDK if they know all of whatever is going on, but the only person who really talks to me is the psychopath. Squad C is probably in the dark about what happened and they still talk to me openly.
I feel like I have brought on disaster to the one person who I care most about right now. He was yelled at by Erik and I had no clue. I feel so bad, feeling like I'm on a cart and he is tied to the back right now and he is just dragging in the back, scratched up, bruised, brutally hurt and eventually killed.
I am hated by someone who I couldn't say no to, and I don't know how to fix that with all of the bad shit that could have happened had I said no. I didn't want that relationship, and I'm so sorry I went into it. Fuck me. I have lied to everyone around me about it. The only person who knew originally was Ky because she is bae and he really wanted her to know. But before he met her, I told her that I was weird in the relationship and I wanted to end it because he wasn't what I wanted, and he smooth talked his way in and she said, "Cool, he's a good one." And then proceeded to say about the one I really wanted, "Gah he's super cute. I'd date him if I didn't have my boyfriend." I know girl, I know.
Might as well pick up that fucking bomb and squeeze. I just want to end all of that. Everyone would be happier without me. Actually, that's not true. I can't even fucking die in peace. I would hurt the one who I love, but maybe make everyone else a little happier. The "psycho bitch" who manages to "manipulate everyone in sight" wouldn't hurt anyone else this way. At least this way the "most fucked up person ever" won't be around to fuck up anyone else. I can be the "slut" who will "burn in hell" and it will be ok.
Fuck that might have been too much. Agh!
Fuck it!
JUST FUCK FUCK FUCK CFU-SDS=GSJLKDG
I WFSOFNVOKMNOKGHOWIDJFLK SDF
I DONT KNOW ANYMORE
FIX ME
I WANNA BE WHOLE AGAIN
BLEH JS[G
SIDGSD
GAH
MEH
BOOP
damnit
Can I go back to being just physically ill instead of mentally ill? It would be easier. Maybe the cysts already inside of me can become cancerous and I can die of natural causes since I can't go on birth control anyways.
Fuck I wanna die, but I don't. I live for the love around me. So instead I may just vomit at the thought of myself, and focus on the fucking gorgeous flowers outside.
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