Response

I read them. The pieces in the writing folder by the 2 who have feelings for me. I read them, and I feel helpless.

First, let's start with Erik, the one who I crushed. I am the reason he is depressed, jealous, and in essence, selfish. I want to say to him that I have been in the same boat and that it sucks immensely. But, I can't be the one to tell him that. I don't think I am in the right place. I want to talk to him, comfort him, hug him, but I can't. I don't know what is proper and what isn't anymore. Zayn is right about one thing, that we are all self-centered. Just, some people feel bad about it, and some people find excuses and feel like they are entitled to whatever they did.
I want to tell Erik I have the same pent-up energy, and I punch backpacks, walls, and pillows because my last outlet involved too much blood or burning.
I want to tell him, that I do love him, as a friend, and that he will always be one of my best friends, but I don't know how.
I want to tell him that I would be too scared in a relationship with him, because too much openness in a relationship is a scary reminder of how I felt destroyed every time before.
I want to tell him I'm too broken for him, and I would drag him down.
I want to tell him I want the same thing in a relationship, but mine is with no external drama.
I want to tell him it will be ok, but do I even think it will?
We are too similar, and sometimes that just hurts even more.

So now we come to Mike. Agh, why did you have to write all of those things? I don't want you to take it down at all but it hit so close to every feeling I have.

Life is a fucking rollercoaster. You echoed Erik's words, "Why does she have to be so nice?" and all I can say is I don't feel like I deserve that qualifier.
Then you talk about Gianna, and what he said, and I feel scared that there is going to be a second worse outburst from him. I never told anyone because I felt weird about it, but I shipped him and his crush L while we were still together (the third time). That sounds weird, but we called it FWB the third time, and I knew people getting terribly hurt was inevitable, but I have always wanted the best for him. Plus they seemed super cute together, well seem even cuter now so I'm happy for him. No matter how angry I seem on the outside, and yes, I am a bit hurt on the inside, I still want him to be ok. I miss him, not the relationship, just his friendship. I didn't want to hurt him, by falling for the one person he was worried I was cheating on him with. The words he said, "You are the one thing in her world who makes her happy so if you really care about her, say 'fuck everyone else' and go for it." were a big surprise. I want us to be ok, but I know that isn't happening after he blocked me, or at least not for a little while. Haha mutually fuck each other works both ways, emotionally and physically. We both did shitty things, and I have no idea why I kept running back. The first time he was being distant, I should have known that it wasn't a good idea to stay. I would have never been happy, and I would have hated myself and hurt others. And of course, that is how it played out. Fuck! When I was sitting at the table with 3 people who either like me right now or once did, we did the what right click menu would you have, and the only word I managed to get out of my head was "undo" before the interruption. Like you said, we did what we did and we can't undo it. “Three times; why am I such an idiot!” So fucking true, and we both thought it. We both need space, and on such a small campus, that is impossible.

I can't drop people like that either, even if people are causing immense pain or destroying my life. I hope for the better in people just so I don't have to deal with loss. I remember when I did the same thing, be sad and lonely so everyone else wouldn't be hurt. That is why nobody knew about the sexual assault. That is why I burst out. I'm finicky and fickle, and most of all scared I will be swayed again and have to hide it from everyone because I fucked up enough. Suffering alone was just easier because people are hard. They hate, they judge, they shun, and my therapist says I shouldn't have to deal with that bullshit, but that goes back to dropping people, and I can't bring myself to do that. This is why I take 50 million photos all the time, for memories, when shit like this goes down because I come from a place where bad shit always happens. You lasted 2 weeks, and I feel like B and K happened the same amount of time after the first asking out.
You feel bad about hurting people, and I just feel like I'm already hanging off that cliff into the pit of snapping gators, ready to take my life away, and honestly I can't wait for that rope to break so I can crash and fall, but then I remember the happiness I feel with you and those feelings are replaced by the regret of wanting to die. Fuck I blame myself for that line "you are the one good thing about this rotten world” because I think I said something quite similar to you one night while feeling quite emotional. I agree with the fact that I don't think I totally feel that way, but for the most part it is true.
I'm glad you opened up to me about your dreams and how they have been steadier like I was the one in them rather than the random people, so you're subconsciously doing better.

Holy fuck. I don't see myself with any of these positive things you both say.

"“I have literally one person stuck in my head now and there’s almost nothing that’s gonna change it though. I wanna tell them how I feel and I’m so scared to and blah blah blah.”

“So enjoy, person that I like. You might literally be the last thing on Earth that’s making me happy. No pressure, right?”

“I hate how I am.
I love how you are.
Everything works against my being.
Even my own thoughts.”

“Is it your eyes?
Is it your lips?
Is it how you treat me?
Is it just you?”

Why did you have to mention the lips.

“I wish I didn’t look at my friends and think.
“ ‘God, I wish I could be with you.’ ”

Oh man. "

This confuses me like all positive statements about me do. I don't get them. Every time I hear a compliment, I smile or say thanks or more often "SHUT UP" because I have to hide how on the inside I just think you're fucking insane because I am not allowed to be seen in that light.

Wow, I just reread all of this and I sound insane, but I'm posting it anyways.