Vulnerable

For so long, I was afraid. I had been taught some bad things by someone who I trusted a lot, and thought I loved, and then he hurt me, badly. I have to say I haven't been the same since, because that is the fucking truth. Sure I was crazy as a kid, but not self-destructive to this point. So I came to believe this quote, because Gaiman is one of my favorite authors.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
— Neil Gaiman (The Kindly Ones (The Sandman, #9))

I've been in relationships since, and most have not been that great. I allowed myself to say in mentally destructive relationships just for other people and trying to make myself be a better person by being more forgiving. I should have left when I was being ignored. I should have left when I was being called things I didn't appreciate. I should have left when I didn't want it.

So now that I have something that I do love dearly, I am super happy, but there's a big part of me that is scared of being vulnerable and losing that someone because I know it will tear me apart. But there's more of me hating that quote, disbelieving it. I want it to be wrong so badly I will ask for not much else. I hate love, but I love it all the same.

Now I'm so focused on the thrill, the sweet sentiments, and the words being exchanged. I started writing this after he told me something that shocked me thoroughly. He said that he would become vegetarian for me, and he said it like it was like no big deal. To change something in your lifestyle, that is huge. And him willing to do that for me, I just was so shocked. Not many others would do the same. In fact, it only happens in fairy tales and stories. Normally when things get real like that, I run. I'm a runner. and I am so sorry for that. I shut down and hide away more. But this time, things were different. I didn't get that panic that normally sets in. I didn't feel the need to start screaming in fear of the future. I didn't want to run. For the first time, I wanted to stay. And I still want to stay, with days to mull over this fact. It still surprises me how I am not running away, but maybe I've finally found my dream guy, and it honestly makes me very happy.