Everyone is so much of the same, yet different.
Yes, I have a repeat history.
Erik has done it. Nicky has done it. M almost did. My first bf did it.
Cheating.
The first time, I was too blind to realize how my relationship with S could be anything more. I guess I counted a physical act as cheating at the time, and since there was no real physical touch meant to be romantic or a kiss or anything further.
The second time, I didn't even want to be in that relationship at the time and was looking for a way out. And then I willingly went for the other guy, who I admittedly had a lot more feelings for.
Eric said there are a variety of reasons behind what happened.
So yes, my reasoning is probably the dumb one.
The first time, I felt like G and I were over because we had basically ended it when he kinda ignored the fact that I wanted him to be more attentive/ less distant and nothing changed whatsoever. We barely talked for the 3 weeks prior to the first break up, well more like I wanted to talk or be there and he always wanted to be with squad so like we would never really talk. I went out with S that Saturday, and it wasn't supposed to be romantic, and then at the end of the night I got vibes that he wanted to kiss me so I ran to my car and was like NOPE. Then the car ride home, I made up a lie to make myself feel worse. I told myself, hey you did this and you now really want to date him because he is sweet and will not ignore you like G does and you're super attracted to him. Yes I did like him my freshman year of high school, as like the oh hey someone in charge (not really) paying attention to me, but not like "like like" him. I got over that super fast when he wanted to get with like all of my guard friends. But I guess I always felt bad for everyone hating him because he was in the same place with being bullied by dumb Metuchenites, so I was always super nice to him.
Right. Back to the story. Car ride home. Dumb lies. So I went straight to the people I thought I could trust the most. Fucking "Actual Squad" Our HS trio. The reason I still missed HS. And I told them I feel bad for going out with S. Truth is, I didn't feel bad because I still wanted to be friends and I ran before anything actually happened. But in order to lie to yourself, you have to lie to others too to make sure they continue the lie back to yourself.
Truth is, I felt hella empty. I didn't want to deal with people. But the easiest mask and cure for emptiness is forcing human interaction, so that is what I did. I deepened the lie by saying how I would rather date S than G. And then they told me how G was not good for me and how I needed someone who wouldn't ignore me/be distant like my 2nd boyfriend repeatedly did. And I think that is what I wanted from them, the push to break up with him. I suck at break ups, and I don't want to hurt feelings, but I guess he seemed so unattached/distant already, I didn't realize it would actually affect him at all. But then Mandy had to tell G, which makes sense, but Girl Code just died there. Yet my dumbass self continued to talk to her about boys (like G) after all of that happened. I just don't learn.
So I continued talking to S until things fell apart 3 days later. I think it is my low-key pity talking that makes me not want to stop talking to him, and like sometimes, he was a good friend. So I guess I didn't actually think it was cheating because I didn't want anything to happen, even though there was flirting because that's how we interacted since freshman year, even while I was in the relationship with my second bf.
I still don't know why I didn't tell him about G before. Wait, thats a lie. I didn't want to say anything in front of Mandy when he first asked, and then after that, we were in public places and I didn't feel like dealing with drama like certain people overhearing. And IDK, I think I also wasn't really proud of the relationship. Like I didn't want it in the air because I knew on the inside it wouldn't be a good relationship from the beginning.
I resorted to lists like these to determine whether he was good, and honestly, neither of them fit as much as M does, so why would I ever settle. Part of me knew I wasn't worthy of anyone's love and care, and so I just wanted a quick fix when I knew I wouldn't be able to get anything more. So I settled, and I shouldn't have. S fit it more than G did so it worked for my lies to myself and Mar and Mandy. LOL when Mandy said that she didn't think either of them could ever be boyfriend material.
Second time, is a lot more recent. I never wanted to actually be in that relationship, but I was afraid of taking a life away, so I never really said no, or every time I started, I saw the hurt, and then shut myself up and became a total yes-girl. I hate myself for that. Then M and I watched a movie, and I realized how much I wanted it, but I wasn't sure if I should go for it, so I guess again with the emotional cheating, but I didn't initiate physical cheating. I think that was my way of absolving myself from blame, but honestly, I hate myself every day for doing the things I did.
So we have all messed up, some physically, some mentally, some both. And like Erik said, we get called assholes, but it isn't right to judge anyone or hate them indefinitely for their acrtions because everyone fucks up. I don't hate G anymore for the hurtful things he said, I just know that I need to distance myself from him before I fall apart again. I don't hate Mandy for blocking me and telling my parents, though I often wish she didn't have that needy sense to spill everything to everyone, because I also know I need distance from her. Sure, I may still get panic attack near them, but I'm working on it. We are all the same, yet different, and I come from a place of forgiveness. I wish others saw the same.
Yes, I have a repeat history.
Erik has done it. Nicky has done it. M almost did. My first bf did it.
Cheating.
The first time, I was too blind to realize how my relationship with S could be anything more. I guess I counted a physical act as cheating at the time, and since there was no real physical touch meant to be romantic or a kiss or anything further.
The second time, I didn't even want to be in that relationship at the time and was looking for a way out. And then I willingly went for the other guy, who I admittedly had a lot more feelings for.
Eric said there are a variety of reasons behind what happened.
However, the reason I felt that way was cause I felt like I knew that people have reasons why they cheat. Everyone wants to just call them assholes and shit and yes, they did a horrible and shitty thing. Their reason for it might be dumb or it might have merit to it. In either case, it’s still cheating.
So yes, my reasoning is probably the dumb one.
The first time, I felt like G and I were over because we had basically ended it when he kinda ignored the fact that I wanted him to be more attentive/ less distant and nothing changed whatsoever. We barely talked for the 3 weeks prior to the first break up, well more like I wanted to talk or be there and he always wanted to be with squad so like we would never really talk. I went out with S that Saturday, and it wasn't supposed to be romantic, and then at the end of the night I got vibes that he wanted to kiss me so I ran to my car and was like NOPE. Then the car ride home, I made up a lie to make myself feel worse. I told myself, hey you did this and you now really want to date him because he is sweet and will not ignore you like G does and you're super attracted to him. Yes I did like him my freshman year of high school, as like the oh hey someone in charge (not really) paying attention to me, but not like "like like" him. I got over that super fast when he wanted to get with like all of my guard friends. But I guess I always felt bad for everyone hating him because he was in the same place with being bullied by dumb Metuchenites, so I was always super nice to him.
Right. Back to the story. Car ride home. Dumb lies. So I went straight to the people I thought I could trust the most. Fucking "Actual Squad" Our HS trio. The reason I still missed HS. And I told them I feel bad for going out with S. Truth is, I didn't feel bad because I still wanted to be friends and I ran before anything actually happened. But in order to lie to yourself, you have to lie to others too to make sure they continue the lie back to yourself.
I came home from a night out with S
And I feel weird
Ayushi
I feel like I'm emotionally cheating
Idk
M
Woah how come
U think u like S?
??
Ayushi
I think so
Idk
I'm so confused
Facebook User
nooooooo
not s noooo
Ayushi
There's so many emotions rn
Truth is, I felt hella empty. I didn't want to deal with people. But the easiest mask and cure for emptiness is forcing human interaction, so that is what I did. I deepened the lie by saying how I would rather date S than G. And then they told me how G was not good for me and how I needed someone who wouldn't ignore me/be distant like my 2nd boyfriend repeatedly did. And I think that is what I wanted from them, the push to break up with him. I suck at break ups, and I don't want to hurt feelings, but I guess he seemed so unattached/distant already, I didn't realize it would actually affect him at all. But then Mandy had to tell G, which makes sense, but Girl Code just died there. Yet my dumbass self continued to talk to her about boys (like G) after all of that happened. I just don't learn.
So I continued talking to S until things fell apart 3 days later. I think it is my low-key pity talking that makes me not want to stop talking to him, and like sometimes, he was a good friend. So I guess I didn't actually think it was cheating because I didn't want anything to happen, even though there was flirting because that's how we interacted since freshman year, even while I was in the relationship with my second bf.
I still don't know why I didn't tell him about G before. Wait, thats a lie. I didn't want to say anything in front of Mandy when he first asked, and then after that, we were in public places and I didn't feel like dealing with drama like certain people overhearing. And IDK, I think I also wasn't really proud of the relationship. Like I didn't want it in the air because I knew on the inside it wouldn't be a good relationship from the beginning.
I resorted to lists like these to determine whether he was good, and honestly, neither of them fit as much as M does, so why would I ever settle. Part of me knew I wasn't worthy of anyone's love and care, and so I just wanted a quick fix when I knew I wouldn't be able to get anything more. So I settled, and I shouldn't have. S fit it more than G did so it worked for my lies to myself and Mar and Mandy. LOL when Mandy said that she didn't think either of them could ever be boyfriend material.
Second time, is a lot more recent. I never wanted to actually be in that relationship, but I was afraid of taking a life away, so I never really said no, or every time I started, I saw the hurt, and then shut myself up and became a total yes-girl. I hate myself for that. Then M and I watched a movie, and I realized how much I wanted it, but I wasn't sure if I should go for it, so I guess again with the emotional cheating, but I didn't initiate physical cheating. I think that was my way of absolving myself from blame, but honestly, I hate myself every day for doing the things I did.
So we have all messed up, some physically, some mentally, some both. And like Erik said, we get called assholes, but it isn't right to judge anyone or hate them indefinitely for their acrtions because everyone fucks up. I don't hate G anymore for the hurtful things he said, I just know that I need to distance myself from him before I fall apart again. I don't hate Mandy for blocking me and telling my parents, though I often wish she didn't have that needy sense to spill everything to everyone, because I also know I need distance from her. Sure, I may still get panic attack near them, but I'm working on it. We are all the same, yet different, and I come from a place of forgiveness. I wish others saw the same.
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