WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS

IM FREAKING OUT.

I'm actually panicking a little. like why would you do this. you know what could go wrong with you and alcohol. Like Mandy. You have lupus. You are taking immunosuppresants and antimalarials and antidepressants. Or at least you were, and you did have an infection over the summer, and from your writing it seemed like it was bad. you could still have a weakened immune system, frats arent exactly clean either, just dont get hurt, dont suffer, dont get sicker, dont die. i love you too much for this. sure at one point i was very mad at you, ut i have forgiven you and you dont deserve any of this crazyness, please be ok

why am i crying while writing this at like 1AM on a thursday night? stop it self. stop rocking yourself back and forth. stop struggling to take breaths. youre not supposed to care. bc caring means youre going to want to be friends again and she doesnt want that so dont make it harder on everyone. Grow up. she can take care of herself, as she let you know very much. shes going to be fine, rihgt? she has to be. she has everyone taking care of her, and its not like everyones all separated in taking care of people this time.

just be ok, because i dont know what id do if you were actually hurt

It's been a while

*drafted at 10:35 am on august 31*

Wow I haven't posted in more than 2 months. With good reason too. I've had so many highs and the lows weren't so bad. But that's changed oh so quickly 

The past few weeks have been the happiest moments of my life, and the past 3 days, the worst. Ok maybe the worst is a little much, but I can only think of one instance when my depression was worse, and at that time I couldn't shower or eat or even manage to get out of bed even for meetings and class, which usually I'm good with pretending I am not depressed and managing to get there. 

I can't do this. I felt really light on Samvatsari, after meditating and like going over the year and learning to repent and forgive. And I thought I did. I did for the most part. But I guess I couldn't manage to forgive the one person everyone said was most important to forgive: myself. 

I can't do this. My low self esteem has been battered enough for the past few days. God fucking damn it!  I get it, I'm fat. Don't fucking remind me and make fun of me about it everywhere we go. Don't remind me about my illness from years past and make fun of me for it. It's still a touchy subject. How would you like to be an teen in that position? I get it I'm ugly. Don't tell me that everywhere.  You're my parents, what happened to unconditional love? Stop calling me a bad person. I'm trying not to be, but apparently I can't do it. 

I can't do this. I wanted to meet Erik and Gav before I left, but felt too awkward to actually instigate a meetup, even though we were all like let's do it over Snapchat before hand. I guess I'm just worried that everyone has better older friends to hang out with, so I don't wanna interfere. Nor do I wanna show how desperate I am for human contact outside of my 100% comfort zone of like basically one other person. Holy fuck this is just a reminder of high school. Pretty damn lonely. I mean like I had friends, and I had a couple besties, but we weren't as close as I would have liked. I was the floater kid, friends with everyone but those who downright hated me, but not close enough to anyone for a real relationship. And I couldn't be myself in front of my besties, because I didn't want them to judge me. And I figured that could have changed but I guess I'm not right for those types of relationships. What if I'm just not? Loner for life? Eh sounds totally believable. 

I can't do this. Maybe my memory is just hella distorted, but I don't think I've been this suicidal in like almost a year. Every single dream I've had for the past few nights involved me jumping off a cliff, or jumping off a bridge, or slitting my wrists. And yesterday's was the worst. I took out my phone and messaged M I love you, and apologize for everything, and then put it back, then proceeded to clean out all of my belongings, so the person who found my corpse wouldn't have to do it. And I proceeded to take 2inch  pins and jab them in to my body, one by one. Once the pins were secure and it hurt to move as the pins tore through skin and blood vessels, I took a magnet and pulled all of them out and started pouring blood from everywhere. It was so calming to be rid of all of my toxins, and I slowly slipped away, just to hear my phone buzz and your name pop up as typing. But it was too late. I was gone. And you were all happier people because of it. 

I can't do this. TBH I took 21 credits only to overwhelm myself. I'm pretty sure I can drop one class and still graduate at the same time. At least if I have something to focus on, I don't have to focus on the draining thoughts  inside my head. I don't have to focus on the people around me and my failures staring at me in the mirror. Classes are easier to focus on than actual problems. 

I tried telling you that TBH I kinda don't want to, and that was referring to going on living, not seeing you. I didn't want to offend you but I feel like I did. I'm so sorry. 

I want to kill the part of me that is struggling to find a will to live. But it's such a big part of me, that I don't know what to do. I just want to be better again. 

JK 4th post tonight

I think I want to write a book. Like a real one. And get it published. Liked dedicatedly.

I may start soon, but I do want you to read it only after I finish my first draft.

Watching that movie with you, it inspired me to try chasing what makes me happy.

I want to write, not for others, but for myself. 

I am soooooo sorrry

Wow, triple posting in a day. Social Suicide.

I am sorry I was vague about the article that I was reading. If you want to see what made me like this, here.

I am more likely to have anxiety, depression, somatization, and interpersonal sensitivity. 

So I will be anxious, extremely sad, in physical pain because I'm not mentally ok, and neverendingly fearful of your rejection. 

So maybe that is why I am freaking out a little more than I should. I hate rejection and I overanalyze social cues because I have been preprogrammed for such sad turnouts. 

I really don't want to lose you so I want to talk to reassure myself as well as make sure I am not doing anything that is harming you. 

Fuck that was a lot harder than expected

I tried calling, but it didn't work. Then you called, but you seemed so hyped about going to Dino's for D&D, I didn't want to bring anything up to down you.

I just want to make sure you're ok, and IDK how to do it without like face to face, hand on hand contact. PLZ angels wherever you are, send help. 

6.2

So this past weekend, I spent both days at M's house. It was wonderful. I loved it all.

But there's always a catch. I shouldn't feel this way, but it felt off around the .2 time. You were so much more on your phone, hella distracted, and I got a little worried. Like you don't usually check your phone while making out with me.

I think I tried to bury my concern by forcing some romantic interactions, namely .2 sex. And I am sorry, and I hope you don't read this before I get in touch with you so I can apologize in person. I've been calling/snapchatting, but alas, to no avail.

Wow, I sound like a stalkery girlfriend. I should calm down. I am so sorry for who I am. I just want to make sure you're ok, and I am sorry for smothering you. I don't know how else to do it. If you do have any input on this, please let me know. I need to know something. I think that is my fatal flaw, curiosity, and an overwhelming urge to get involved with too many things to handle.

But you are my main concern, and I am leaving aside class (which pales right now because it is manageable) to type about this to calm me down.

Why do I have to be the person to jump to conclusions? Why do I think the worst? Why do I think I was too pushy this weekend and I made you sad?

Because it is probably true. I am super sorry, but I do want to say this in person before I go home. I love you and I want to help, and even if you don't know how, just don't totally keep me out.

Also please stop me when I am too pushy, I don't realize that until retrospection, so I want to incur the least harm. I love you, and I'm sorry. 

Running Dream

And I post this a week after packing up my dorm in college. (But I'm editing this the first week of June) (and again in the 2nd week of June)

“My life is over. Behind”

I came into college thinking my life would be so much better with more freedom. I wouldn't have security cameras pointed at me at all times, parents tracking my keystrokes on my computer, or keep me under house arrest in an alarmed home. In that sense, yes it was better.

My parents always yelled at me for being too trusting. "Why can't you be like your sister and actually be street smart?"
I thought I was strong but really,
“I am a runner. That's what I do. That's who I am. Running is all I know, or want, or care about.”

I hate running honestly. Cardio is a form of torture, and I prefer muscle toning to being out of breath and heavy breathing. But seriously now. Every time people get closer than I want them to, I run. I run mentally into my cardboard refrigerator box. I run physically away from the invaders and towards others. I run with arms wide open towards danger and try to be as self-destructive as possible.

So starting this school year, I tried to be more open, hoping I could change. I told Mandy about self-harm. (She replied with the fact I am causing her stress.) I told G that I wasn't feeling ok mentally. (He laughed, holy fuck, he laughed. I read another thing on 6/5 about relationships and PTSD. It mentioned a very similar thing causing PTSD for the girl, but the guy had just ignored her. I would have preferred being ignored. At least that way nothing would have changed. He could have stayed just as emotionally distant. I'm used to being ignored by people, because deep down I know I'm not worthy of any respect. But laughing hurt the worst. My first boyfriend (who I still don't feel comfortable calling my rapist even though that is what I've been told I should do) constantly berated me especially for the things that I thought I was good at. This is why I don't take compliments about my education well; he was the one to tell me that everyone was just lying to me and that I had no worth and everyone hated me and I should never bring grades up because all it does is make others feel bad about their grades. Then he consistently blackmailed me into helping him with his homework (which was more like "Hey I gotta leave to go out. Have this done before I come back so then I can study for the test that we both have tomorrow while you go and do extra work. This is what you get for flaunting your good grades" when all I did was answer his question when he told me.) So I compartmentalized there. Laughing at me was just another reminder of what he did. Then being distant too, just another reminder of the second boyfriend. He claimed he didn't have time for me and needed to study. He also berated me for doing well in my classes despite being a senior in a magnet school. Meanwhile, he was off with another girl. Deep down I knew both of them betrayed me but I didn't want to believe it until I received confirmation this year, but I needed to be out of that relationship before the 3rd one followed suit. So to you right now, I'm sorry if I act irrationally and clingy if you're distant. I will try to tell you what I am feeling instead of waddling it off and compartmentalizing again. Whoa, that was too long of a tangent.) I bawled to Erik that one night (and I think I just made it more awkward because he still had feelings for me). I opened up to M, mostly through here, and sometimes that leaves me a little more vulnerable and scared af. (And now I'm constantly fighting with myself, trying to figure out what is too much like they said. I bawled to him last week as a side effect of self depreciation and self-hatred, and it bothered me since. I don't like the vulnerability involved, nor do I like being dependent sometimes, but I also don't want to repeat my bottling up which blew up any close relationships I've had. Shoe said that M should be my support for everything, and be willing to listen to everything, but isn't that too much of a burden for someone? Especially if it has to do with me, because I know I'm burdensome. I think I need to go back to therapy again, but I don't know how that will go. A bit too much of a charge there.)

“It's disturbing how fast weeds take root in my garden of worthiness.
They're so hard to pull.
And grow back so easily.”

I am so sorry I hate myself so much that it is bringing you down. I remember when we were kids, my friends and I would always try to look out of the peepholes, but we were too short to reach them. One person would have to go on their hands and knees and support the others who wanted to climb up. I always volunteered right away to be closest to the floor, because that's where I saw myself fit to belong.

“I wipe away my tears and nod, because the pain in my leg is nothing compare to the one in my heart.”

I can volunteer to give myself pain to lift others up, and now I want to do the same by shutting up my feelings. Look at me though, I am friends with none of them anymore, but I don't want to lose the closest few to me now, so I am trying to not shut it in too much. I just need to figure out where my filter should begin, and if you have any input, please tell me, because honestly, I am so lost right now.

Because of everything, I think I'm just worried everyone sees me just as those closest to me saw me forever ago, trash. I know I shouldn't care, but I can't help the panic and fear that comes along with judgment and alienation. I am trying to be ok, but please tell me if I ever become too much to handle. If anything is an issue, I'd rather deal with it on good terms rather than confusion. And I will always try to be as truthful as possible, and if not in person, it will be through here.

So with my eyes tearing up once again, all I ask is this:

"Don't sum up the person based on what you see, or what you don't understand; get to know them.”

And I hope this can be followed, but we all know college students and brown girls and gossip...