*drafted at 10:35 am on august 31*
The past few weeks have been the happiest moments of my life, and the past 3 days, the worst. Ok maybe the worst is a little much, but I can only think of one instance when my depression was worse, and at that time I couldn't shower or eat or even manage to get out of bed even for meetings and class, which usually I'm good with pretending I am not depressed and managing to get there.
I can't do this. I felt really light on Samvatsari, after meditating and like going over the year and learning to repent and forgive. And I thought I did. I did for the most part. But I guess I couldn't manage to forgive the one person everyone said was most important to forgive: myself.
I can't do this. My low self esteem has been battered enough for the past few days. God fucking damn it! I get it, I'm fat. Don't fucking remind me and make fun of me about it everywhere we go. Don't remind me about my illness from years past and make fun of me for it. It's still a touchy subject. How would you like to be an teen in that position? I get it I'm ugly. Don't tell me that everywhere. You're my parents, what happened to unconditional love? Stop calling me a bad person. I'm trying not to be, but apparently I can't do it.
I can't do this. I wanted to meet Erik and Gav before I left, but felt too awkward to actually instigate a meetup, even though we were all like let's do it over Snapchat before hand. I guess I'm just worried that everyone has better older friends to hang out with, so I don't wanna interfere. Nor do I wanna show how desperate I am for human contact outside of my 100% comfort zone of like basically one other person. Holy fuck this is just a reminder of high school. Pretty damn lonely. I mean like I had friends, and I had a couple besties, but we weren't as close as I would have liked. I was the floater kid, friends with everyone but those who downright hated me, but not close enough to anyone for a real relationship. And I couldn't be myself in front of my besties, because I didn't want them to judge me. And I figured that could have changed but I guess I'm not right for those types of relationships. What if I'm just not? Loner for life? Eh sounds totally believable.
I can't do this. Maybe my memory is just hella distorted, but I don't think I've been this suicidal in like almost a year. Every single dream I've had for the past few nights involved me jumping off a cliff, or jumping off a bridge, or slitting my wrists. And yesterday's was the worst. I took out my phone and messaged M I love you, and apologize for everything, and then put it back, then proceeded to clean out all of my belongings, so the person who found my corpse wouldn't have to do it. And I proceeded to take 2inch pins and jab them in to my body, one by one. Once the pins were secure and it hurt to move as the pins tore through skin and blood vessels, I took a magnet and pulled all of them out and started pouring blood from everywhere. It was so calming to be rid of all of my toxins, and I slowly slipped away, just to hear my phone buzz and your name pop up as typing. But it was too late. I was gone. And you were all happier people because of it.
I can't do this. TBH I took 21 credits only to overwhelm myself. I'm pretty sure I can drop one class and still graduate at the same time. At least if I have something to focus on, I don't have to focus on the draining thoughts inside my head. I don't have to focus on the people around me and my failures staring at me in the mirror. Classes are easier to focus on than actual problems.
I tried telling you that TBH I kinda don't want to, and that was referring to going on living, not seeing you. I didn't want to offend you but I feel like I did. I'm so sorry.
I want to kill the part of me that is struggling to find a will to live. But it's such a big part of me, that I don't know what to do. I just want to be better again.
