Safe

You know, it is very important to feel safe. And for the longest time, I didn't feel that way. Maybe that is why I became a runner, as someone who doesn't feel safe with those closest to them.

My first bf hurt me, and I never quite trusted anyone fully anymore. All of my friends were on the "prude" side and so I couldn't open up about any real feelings I had. They would judge me very harshly, or I just wasn't close enough to talk about anything. Otherwise, even if I could get over the judging, I was afraid of the lack of privacy involved with telling them. AKA they are blabbermouths if I trusted them enough. And privacy is something I value a lot, and once someone breaks that, I do not ever feel safe with them again.

But now for the first time, I feel safe. Sure, there are plenty of haters and people I may be scared of, but one action stood out very much and I could not control the sense of security that I felt that I missed oh-so-much.

I was in Erik's room, and as we were watching Blair Witch, K came in the room. He said a derogatory statement about girls, something along the lines of "I don't respect them, I just take them and fuck them." That line made me super uncomfortable, and all I could think of was the lack of respect and hurt feelings from my first boyfriend and being used by G for sex every time before he decides to break up with me. It always felt wrong, like a "Fuck them until you're good and then leave", and I can't believe I trusted him after.

But enough about that, I am talking about the K story. He made it worse by grabbing my legs after that while repeating that sentiment. I think I was having a panic attack during and after. I couldn't breathe right. Everything felt heavy and everything around me started spinning. I felt like I was choking on my own tongue. I wanted to throw up, but I just sat there, immobilized by fear. I think I squeezed M at that time, but I'm not completely sure. It was all kind of a blur.

I think it took a while for me to process that I was scared, so after K left and I was left in silence to actually think, it kind of hit me hard that it was probably a panic attack. And so I held on to M for dear life, as a support system.

K walked back in later, and took a step towards me, and I tensed up. M noticed and used his body as a shield. Sure it was a single leg and a single arm, but I don't think I have ever felt safer. Sure, I felt the fear creeping up from the sight of K in the same position as earlier, but most of it was kept at bay by just hearing and seeing M's response. Why do you make me feel so safe? I don't know, but I do feel that way, and for that, thank you sooooooo much.

And just as I started this post, a great song came on. So, "I will love you unconditionally" 💗

Vulnerable

For so long, I was afraid. I had been taught some bad things by someone who I trusted a lot, and thought I loved, and then he hurt me, badly. I have to say I haven't been the same since, because that is the fucking truth. Sure I was crazy as a kid, but not self-destructive to this point. So I came to believe this quote, because Gaiman is one of my favorite authors.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
— Neil Gaiman (The Kindly Ones (The Sandman, #9))

I've been in relationships since, and most have not been that great. I allowed myself to say in mentally destructive relationships just for other people and trying to make myself be a better person by being more forgiving. I should have left when I was being ignored. I should have left when I was being called things I didn't appreciate. I should have left when I didn't want it.

So now that I have something that I do love dearly, I am super happy, but there's a big part of me that is scared of being vulnerable and losing that someone because I know it will tear me apart. But there's more of me hating that quote, disbelieving it. I want it to be wrong so badly I will ask for not much else. I hate love, but I love it all the same.

Now I'm so focused on the thrill, the sweet sentiments, and the words being exchanged. I started writing this after he told me something that shocked me thoroughly. He said that he would become vegetarian for me, and he said it like it was like no big deal. To change something in your lifestyle, that is huge. And him willing to do that for me, I just was so shocked. Not many others would do the same. In fact, it only happens in fairy tales and stories. Normally when things get real like that, I run. I'm a runner. and I am so sorry for that. I shut down and hide away more. But this time, things were different. I didn't get that panic that normally sets in. I didn't feel the need to start screaming in fear of the future. I didn't want to run. For the first time, I wanted to stay. And I still want to stay, with days to mull over this fact. It still surprises me how I am not running away, but maybe I've finally found my dream guy, and it honestly makes me very happy. 

AGH

So I just found out something that makes me super happy, because I was so stressed about this earlier. And then I just remembered this.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” ― Bob Marley

This is so true. Sure I won the Provost research scholarship/grant idk, but I have someone better to share my happiness with. 💟💟💟💟💟🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

Marius and Cosette

She starts out sad and gets sadder and then has a happy ending.

He almost dies and then ends up happy.


This is us right?

I want us to be happy.
Every moment with you, I feel like I'm floating. I feel more at ease, at home, open, and in love.

Love is such an overused word, yet it is so underused. I love you.

“Cosette, in her seclusion, like Marius in his, was all ready to take fire. Destiny, with its mysterious and fatal patience, was slowly bringing these two beings near each other, fully charged and all languishing with the stormy electricities of passion,—these two souls which held love as two clouds hold lightning, and which were to meet and mingle in a glace like clouds in a flash.
The power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories, that it has come to be disbelieved in. Few people dare now to say that two beings have fallen in love because they have looked at each other. Yet it is in this way that love begins, and in this way only. The rest is only the rest, and comes afterwards. Nothing is more real than these great shocks which two souls give each other in exchanging this spark.
At that particular moment when Cosette unconsciously looked with this glance which so affected Marius, Marius had no suspicion that he also had a glance which affected Cosette.”

First glance, I knew you were going to be close, I just didn't realize how close. You are wonderful, and I'm sorry to drag you through all of my crazy shit because I'm people-dumb. I love spending every second with you, but I'm worried I might smother you, so just be real with me when you don't want me around. I will make stories in my head after, but it will be better in the long run. I don't want to ever lose you. 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

Vent

Funny word.
It used to be our code word for when we needed to talk to each other.
Sorry. Correction. When he needed to yell at me about something I was doing wrong.

But that is exactly what I did on the same night that I messed up.
I went to Erik's room to explain the messed up situation.

And then I started saying something,

"And I hate how G... wait nevermind I shouldn't be saying this"

But he told me it was ok to vent, just like Sue told me I shouldn't  be afraid to say my feelings, especially not to the LOML.

So I did.

It was weird at first, full of regrets (I shouldn't be this angry) full of outburst (WHYYYYYYY) full of emotion (*tears streaming down face dragging makeup with it).

But I felt worse, then better, after.

I ended up sleeping over, which I probably shouldn't have, but I felt too drained and empty to move.

I never quite understood how other people could say such shit about others and then feel better after because I never really did it. I berate myself in those as much because I shouldn't be this hateful, but I also don't know how to be hurt. I turn sadness in to anger, and I realize that, and I guess that is a good thing because that is the first step to figuring it out, but I have no clue how to fix it. I just want to be more "zen". Be calmer, less hating, more loving. I'm trying, but sometimes it feels soooooooo good to vent.

But sometimes, I'm worried I'm going to let off too much steam and it will leave some people with 2nd degree burns. 

I messed up

Do you want to hear the story of the girl who was gullible enough to believe that people could change?

This girl messed up. She listened to the sweet voice saying I will not berate you. She listened to the fact that he felt victimized, approached by another guy who admittedly was hostile to him. She listened to him say he felt lost and out of the loop.

She understood where he came from, but could not really express that. 

He said she wasn't remorseful, but he can't see the pain behind. He doesn't understand how difficult it is to hurt feelings. He does it so easily, no regrets, no fucks given. 

He said he wasn't there to berate me. (Slut)

He said he just wanted to listen and not judge. (You're the problem)
He said he hadn't made a decision on who to believe yet. (History repeats itself)

Then she heard a phone call from her ex best friend, asking why it was taking so long. (She's a dumb bitch with nothing to say)

So she shut up even more. (Wow this is dumb)

And then he started the onslaught of daggers laced with venomous words. Blame was thrown like a grenade, ready to blow up and destroy lives. Every title shattered bones like a bullet hit hard in her body.

She sat there on the stairs with a smile, because that was the only way she could hold herself together. The high pitched, nonchalant "OK" as every word jabbed in just seemed to anger him more. He looked for every single hole in her armor. He kept stabbing at her paper armor, only seeing that it hit armor, not seeing the bleeding wounds underneath.

She said she had a meeting, and she did, but she ended up missing it by lying down motionless in her abode. She was too sick to get up, wondering if everyone hated her with this much passion. Her mind wouldn't stop thinking of the possibilities, and for a moment, she even lost faith in her trust for the one she trusted most. And that was a sickening moment, because she regretted that the most.

She messed up. 

I'm Scared

SRS Fuck it



I'm scared of losing this one person and being alone. Loneliness sucks. I hate people but I love them too. I just hate being hated and judged I guess without everyone knowing everything.


Vomit also tastes icky. Please make it stop world.

Fuck

Why do I say "I don't want anything right now" but that translates into "try again tomorrow and I will say yes"?

I need to learn to say no. I need to be like fuck you. NO.

I am not attracted to you. It was the night of break up 3 and you went for a kiss the night after. Why did I have to say things that boosted your low self-esteem at my cost? Why did I have to listen to everything you said. I feel disgusting.

I had SRS right after night 1, but I couldn't sleep in my room nor go to a lounge nor in M's room. I hated myself more than anything, but I know depression. It is easier to deal with angry people than sad people. I couldn't let him see that he wasn't what I wanted, just the idea of him was enough to make me not go "haha nope" and instead go I don't think so.

I can't tell him that I talked to the therapist that he sees that I didn't feel anything. Like he made me happy as a friend, comforting and willing to help, but I could never see him as a romantic prospect. But shit went on and I regret it totally. Ew talk about bodies, why?

The Tuesday before anything went down with M, I made it clear I wanted nothing more from him, but he said it was late at night and that I wasn't thinking straight. Thus dismissed with a single line, I went to bed and he wanted more.

I hate being assertive to people who have more power than me.

Throw Up

I have an orgo test in another 30 minutes, and I have no clue what I am doing in that class so FML. But honestly, I took another look at myself and want to throw up.

Grey's Anatomy. Season 2 Episode 17. As We Know It.

Meredith goes for danger, holding the bomb in her hand. She reached for disaster and is a magnet for all sorts of bad shit, and honestly, I am the same. I bring about disaster, hate, disappointment in everyone around me.

I am a disappointment to my parents. I have had a relationship. I have had physical contact which went a lot further than everyone expected. I am not the fucking role model they expect me to be for everyone in the fucking temple. I don't want to be that person because all she does is study and respect. I don't want to be alienated by everyone there anymore, but it is too late for that. I fucked up and have shunned myself. I've failed them.

I am hated by all of my friends who get close to me. Squad A either hates me or doesn't really talk to me. Squad B IDK if they know all of whatever is going on, but the only person who really talks to me is the psychopath. Squad C is probably in the dark about what happened and they still talk to me openly.

I feel like I have brought on disaster to the one person who I care most about right now. He was yelled at by Erik and I had no clue. I feel so bad, feeling like I'm on a cart and he is tied to the back right now and he is just dragging in the back, scratched up, bruised, brutally hurt and eventually killed.

I am hated by someone who I couldn't say no to, and I don't know how to fix that with all of the bad shit that could have happened had I said no. I didn't want that relationship, and I'm so sorry I went into it. Fuck me. I have lied to everyone around me about it. The only person who knew originally was Ky because she is bae and he really wanted her to know. But before he met her, I told her that I was weird in the relationship and I wanted to end it because he wasn't what I wanted, and he smooth talked his way in and she said, "Cool, he's a good one." And then proceeded to say about the one I really wanted, "Gah he's super cute. I'd date him if I didn't have my boyfriend." I know girl, I know.

Might as well pick up that fucking bomb and squeeze. I just want to end all of that. Everyone would be happier without me. Actually, that's not true. I can't even fucking die in peace. I would hurt the one who I love, but maybe make everyone else a little happier. The "psycho bitch" who manages to "manipulate everyone in sight" wouldn't hurt anyone else this way. At least this way the "most fucked up person ever" won't be around to fuck up anyone else. I can be the "slut" who will "burn in hell" and it will be ok.

Fuck that might have been too much. Agh!
Fuck it!
JUST FUCK FUCK FUCK CFU-SDS=GSJLKDG
I WFSOFNVOKMNOKGHOWIDJFLK SDF
I DONT KNOW ANYMORE
FIX ME
I WANNA BE WHOLE AGAIN
BLEH JS[G
SIDGSD
GAH
MEH
BOOP


damnit
Can I go back to being just physically ill instead of mentally ill? It would be easier. Maybe the cysts already inside of me can become cancerous and I can die of natural causes since I can't go on birth control anyways.


Fuck I wanna die, but I don't. I live for the love around me. So instead I may just vomit at the thought of myself, and focus on the fucking gorgeous flowers outside. 

Failure

I know I was angry and I hate myself for it. Why do I put up that front? Because I am sad. Maybe just as sad as Erik, maybe more, maybe less. We all have our pain points, and my points come from some people, and I am other people’s points. The world goes around in its own way and fucks up people everywhere.

I don’t mean to hurt people but sometimes I do. I’m so scared someone else will be next. A tryst always has room for disaster setting in.

Dating within a friend group is such a hassle, but you can’t choose who you fall for. 4 members of squad have professed some sort of feelings since the beginning of the school year, and I am a bit overwhelmed. I don’t see it. I’m not worth it. I am a magnet for trouble after 3 (5?) failed relationships, I am the common denominator, the only link behind the pain and suffering on either end of the relationship.

 I hurt one of those 4 people unknowingly during 3 tries at a relationship. I should have kept it ended the first time I broke up with him. And why did I have to go to the movies with that other guy right before I broke up with Gianna? I was going as friends and he wanted more, and apparently, I led him on and he’s also been told to avoid me, but of course, he doesn’t. I was just used to being that open, because like he said for the years prior, “A relationship between us would never happen or even work.” So why did that suddenly change in his head when I went to college? And maybe it was the fact that I told Gianna a couple weeks earlier that he was being distant, and I felt just as hurt and ignored as when I told him I wasn’t doing ok, but I went and spun some stories. I made myself go back to freshman year of high school when I was kind of crushing on this other movie guy and spun everything into a happily ever after story. I made myself think I still liked him after the movie just to make my decision to break up with Gianna even more steadfast. Deep down I knew I didn’t really like him though, ugh. Why do I lie to myself the most?

 I fell for the sweetest guy in the group, and I’m happy to say the feeling is mutual. But I have hurt the most open of the group because he asked me out a solid 2 weeks before the official start of this relationship. I feel like I fucked up and hurt everyone around me more, but I don’t know how to fix it because I hate going back to being sad, depressed, and lonely. I am further reminded of how I am a failure. I can't control my emotions and then hurt others. FAILURE

Response

I read them. The pieces in the writing folder by the 2 who have feelings for me. I read them, and I feel helpless.

First, let's start with Erik, the one who I crushed. I am the reason he is depressed, jealous, and in essence, selfish. I want to say to him that I have been in the same boat and that it sucks immensely. But, I can't be the one to tell him that. I don't think I am in the right place. I want to talk to him, comfort him, hug him, but I can't. I don't know what is proper and what isn't anymore. Zayn is right about one thing, that we are all self-centered. Just, some people feel bad about it, and some people find excuses and feel like they are entitled to whatever they did.
I want to tell Erik I have the same pent-up energy, and I punch backpacks, walls, and pillows because my last outlet involved too much blood or burning.
I want to tell him, that I do love him, as a friend, and that he will always be one of my best friends, but I don't know how.
I want to tell him that I would be too scared in a relationship with him, because too much openness in a relationship is a scary reminder of how I felt destroyed every time before.
I want to tell him I'm too broken for him, and I would drag him down.
I want to tell him I want the same thing in a relationship, but mine is with no external drama.
I want to tell him it will be ok, but do I even think it will?
We are too similar, and sometimes that just hurts even more.

So now we come to Mike. Agh, why did you have to write all of those things? I don't want you to take it down at all but it hit so close to every feeling I have.

Life is a fucking rollercoaster. You echoed Erik's words, "Why does she have to be so nice?" and all I can say is I don't feel like I deserve that qualifier.
Then you talk about Gianna, and what he said, and I feel scared that there is going to be a second worse outburst from him. I never told anyone because I felt weird about it, but I shipped him and his crush L while we were still together (the third time). That sounds weird, but we called it FWB the third time, and I knew people getting terribly hurt was inevitable, but I have always wanted the best for him. Plus they seemed super cute together, well seem even cuter now so I'm happy for him. No matter how angry I seem on the outside, and yes, I am a bit hurt on the inside, I still want him to be ok. I miss him, not the relationship, just his friendship. I didn't want to hurt him, by falling for the one person he was worried I was cheating on him with. The words he said, "You are the one thing in her world who makes her happy so if you really care about her, say 'fuck everyone else' and go for it." were a big surprise. I want us to be ok, but I know that isn't happening after he blocked me, or at least not for a little while. Haha mutually fuck each other works both ways, emotionally and physically. We both did shitty things, and I have no idea why I kept running back. The first time he was being distant, I should have known that it wasn't a good idea to stay. I would have never been happy, and I would have hated myself and hurt others. And of course, that is how it played out. Fuck! When I was sitting at the table with 3 people who either like me right now or once did, we did the what right click menu would you have, and the only word I managed to get out of my head was "undo" before the interruption. Like you said, we did what we did and we can't undo it. “Three times; why am I such an idiot!” So fucking true, and we both thought it. We both need space, and on such a small campus, that is impossible.

I can't drop people like that either, even if people are causing immense pain or destroying my life. I hope for the better in people just so I don't have to deal with loss. I remember when I did the same thing, be sad and lonely so everyone else wouldn't be hurt. That is why nobody knew about the sexual assault. That is why I burst out. I'm finicky and fickle, and most of all scared I will be swayed again and have to hide it from everyone because I fucked up enough. Suffering alone was just easier because people are hard. They hate, they judge, they shun, and my therapist says I shouldn't have to deal with that bullshit, but that goes back to dropping people, and I can't bring myself to do that. This is why I take 50 million photos all the time, for memories, when shit like this goes down because I come from a place where bad shit always happens. You lasted 2 weeks, and I feel like B and K happened the same amount of time after the first asking out.
You feel bad about hurting people, and I just feel like I'm already hanging off that cliff into the pit of snapping gators, ready to take my life away, and honestly I can't wait for that rope to break so I can crash and fall, but then I remember the happiness I feel with you and those feelings are replaced by the regret of wanting to die. Fuck I blame myself for that line "you are the one good thing about this rotten world” because I think I said something quite similar to you one night while feeling quite emotional. I agree with the fact that I don't think I totally feel that way, but for the most part it is true.
I'm glad you opened up to me about your dreams and how they have been steadier like I was the one in them rather than the random people, so you're subconsciously doing better.

Holy fuck. I don't see myself with any of these positive things you both say.

"“I have literally one person stuck in my head now and there’s almost nothing that’s gonna change it though. I wanna tell them how I feel and I’m so scared to and blah blah blah.”

“So enjoy, person that I like. You might literally be the last thing on Earth that’s making me happy. No pressure, right?”

“I hate how I am.
I love how you are.
Everything works against my being.
Even my own thoughts.”

“Is it your eyes?
Is it your lips?
Is it how you treat me?
Is it just you?”

Why did you have to mention the lips.

“I wish I didn’t look at my friends and think.
“ ‘God, I wish I could be with you.’ ”

Oh man. "

This confuses me like all positive statements about me do. I don't get them. Every time I hear a compliment, I smile or say thanks or more often "SHUT UP" because I have to hide how on the inside I just think you're fucking insane because I am not allowed to be seen in that light.

Wow, I just reread all of this and I sound insane, but I'm posting it anyways.

Suicide

So I found out today that Amy Bleuel killed herself. You may not recognize the name, but you may know what she contributed to society. You know the anti-suicide semicolon tattoos? She was the one who started that. Such an inspiration, yet she went and offed herself.
What kind of message is that supposed to send for the rest of us? If I could have gotten a tattoo, I would have gotten that one, but now it is just a symbol of failure, punctuated by her corpse. Thanks a lot, Amy. Why the fuck did you have to be like Ned.

Ned Vizzini is a great guy. Sorry, was a great guy. He wrote It's Kind of a Funny Story. That book was so inspirational. He wrote about a character who wanted to commit suicide, and then called the suicide hotline. Then the main character ended up in a mental hospital where he met some interesting personages. And he ended with something along the lines of the fact that if you feel suicidal, don't actually kill yourself, just call the suicide hotline or reach out or something instead.

But what does he go and do? He kills himself the year after I meet him (well I think it was the year after, I'm terrible with time and memory, especially combined). So the author that I felt I had a small but deep connection to just because he wrote one of his books to take place in Metuchen and he was in a dark place went and killed himself. He was my role model for calling the fucking suicide hotline in the book, but now he's dead and so is Amy Bleuel and I'm worried I'll be soon to follow.

Hypocrisy

My life has fallen to shambles, and it is only my first year in college. I've dealt with love, sex, betrayal, hate, and bullying all from the same person, but this post isn't only targetted at that one person. It is both of you, but each member of your quartet falls under these words. 

I don't get people. We are all the same and should expect the same thing from each other as you do with yourself without getting angry, yet hypocrisy runs amok. 

I don't get it. 

Why do you tell me to open up, and then when I do, you strike down swiftly, saying I'm needy and manipulative?

Why do you ask me how I'm doing, when you will just berate me for anything that I say?

Why am I always in the wrong, even when you admitted to coming to my room with the intent of seeing me hurt?

Why do you think you can diagnose me with BPD, when you aren't a health care professional, and all of what you say is biased and even my psychologist confirmed that everyone has some traits and I definitely do not have BPD?

Why did you yell at me for getting drunk (it was only a single beer) the Friday after we broke up and crying over how much I missed the good things about you, and then yourself get drunk and proceed to tell the brothers (of the frat I convinced you to pledge with me) how I ruined your life?

Just because I am not comfortable with confronting you and hurting your feelings, doesn't mean you can come into my room and call me a manipulative bitch, the worst person ever, a slut. 

You call me manipulative, but honestly, look at yourself. You knew how much I was hurting after you ripped me to shreds, and you knew I have a caretaker personality from the time I took care of you when you were sick. Yet you still made the proposition and knowing me, you knew I'd agree. I shouldn't have done that, but somehow I fell back into your trap. And now I feel hurt and used, and I can't let anyone know why. So now bitch about me to your friends, to my ex-best friend, to the people I introduced to Squad, to the people you had secretly made fun of earlier, to the people you love shitting on when they are not around. Hopefully, they find out about all of those times, but they should find out by themselves, because who am I to say anything. 

You say you want to know what people say about you and yet you don't even have the decency to say how and when you betrayed me. 

I am so lost as to how I can fix myself. Since you seem so hell-bent on instructing me how I should live my life with rules quite different from yours, please elaborate on your plan for the rest of my short life until I actually take that shot of bleach to cleanse me from your dumb rules. 

So thank you, Gianna, Mandy, Amy, and Ted. Thank you very, very much for all that you've put me through because now I'm a stronger person, and don't worry. I now realize that I don't need two-faced people in my life, ready for sex at one moment and then ready to cut ties with me the next. 

But it's ok, Karma is a bitch. Wishing ill on others will just drain you and cause more problems in the future. Have fun :)