WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS

IM FREAKING OUT.

I'm actually panicking a little. like why would you do this. you know what could go wrong with you and alcohol. Like Mandy. You have lupus. You are taking immunosuppresants and antimalarials and antidepressants. Or at least you were, and you did have an infection over the summer, and from your writing it seemed like it was bad. you could still have a weakened immune system, frats arent exactly clean either, just dont get hurt, dont suffer, dont get sicker, dont die. i love you too much for this. sure at one point i was very mad at you, ut i have forgiven you and you dont deserve any of this crazyness, please be ok

why am i crying while writing this at like 1AM on a thursday night? stop it self. stop rocking yourself back and forth. stop struggling to take breaths. youre not supposed to care. bc caring means youre going to want to be friends again and she doesnt want that so dont make it harder on everyone. Grow up. she can take care of herself, as she let you know very much. shes going to be fine, rihgt? she has to be. she has everyone taking care of her, and its not like everyones all separated in taking care of people this time.

just be ok, because i dont know what id do if you were actually hurt

It's been a while

*drafted at 10:35 am on august 31*

Wow I haven't posted in more than 2 months. With good reason too. I've had so many highs and the lows weren't so bad. But that's changed oh so quickly 

The past few weeks have been the happiest moments of my life, and the past 3 days, the worst. Ok maybe the worst is a little much, but I can only think of one instance when my depression was worse, and at that time I couldn't shower or eat or even manage to get out of bed even for meetings and class, which usually I'm good with pretending I am not depressed and managing to get there. 

I can't do this. I felt really light on Samvatsari, after meditating and like going over the year and learning to repent and forgive. And I thought I did. I did for the most part. But I guess I couldn't manage to forgive the one person everyone said was most important to forgive: myself. 

I can't do this. My low self esteem has been battered enough for the past few days. God fucking damn it!  I get it, I'm fat. Don't fucking remind me and make fun of me about it everywhere we go. Don't remind me about my illness from years past and make fun of me for it. It's still a touchy subject. How would you like to be an teen in that position? I get it I'm ugly. Don't tell me that everywhere.  You're my parents, what happened to unconditional love? Stop calling me a bad person. I'm trying not to be, but apparently I can't do it. 

I can't do this. I wanted to meet Erik and Gav before I left, but felt too awkward to actually instigate a meetup, even though we were all like let's do it over Snapchat before hand. I guess I'm just worried that everyone has better older friends to hang out with, so I don't wanna interfere. Nor do I wanna show how desperate I am for human contact outside of my 100% comfort zone of like basically one other person. Holy fuck this is just a reminder of high school. Pretty damn lonely. I mean like I had friends, and I had a couple besties, but we weren't as close as I would have liked. I was the floater kid, friends with everyone but those who downright hated me, but not close enough to anyone for a real relationship. And I couldn't be myself in front of my besties, because I didn't want them to judge me. And I figured that could have changed but I guess I'm not right for those types of relationships. What if I'm just not? Loner for life? Eh sounds totally believable. 

I can't do this. Maybe my memory is just hella distorted, but I don't think I've been this suicidal in like almost a year. Every single dream I've had for the past few nights involved me jumping off a cliff, or jumping off a bridge, or slitting my wrists. And yesterday's was the worst. I took out my phone and messaged M I love you, and apologize for everything, and then put it back, then proceeded to clean out all of my belongings, so the person who found my corpse wouldn't have to do it. And I proceeded to take 2inch  pins and jab them in to my body, one by one. Once the pins were secure and it hurt to move as the pins tore through skin and blood vessels, I took a magnet and pulled all of them out and started pouring blood from everywhere. It was so calming to be rid of all of my toxins, and I slowly slipped away, just to hear my phone buzz and your name pop up as typing. But it was too late. I was gone. And you were all happier people because of it. 

I can't do this. TBH I took 21 credits only to overwhelm myself. I'm pretty sure I can drop one class and still graduate at the same time. At least if I have something to focus on, I don't have to focus on the draining thoughts  inside my head. I don't have to focus on the people around me and my failures staring at me in the mirror. Classes are easier to focus on than actual problems. 

I tried telling you that TBH I kinda don't want to, and that was referring to going on living, not seeing you. I didn't want to offend you but I feel like I did. I'm so sorry. 

I want to kill the part of me that is struggling to find a will to live. But it's such a big part of me, that I don't know what to do. I just want to be better again. 

JK 4th post tonight

I think I want to write a book. Like a real one. And get it published. Liked dedicatedly.

I may start soon, but I do want you to read it only after I finish my first draft.

Watching that movie with you, it inspired me to try chasing what makes me happy.

I want to write, not for others, but for myself. 

I am soooooo sorrry

Wow, triple posting in a day. Social Suicide.

I am sorry I was vague about the article that I was reading. If you want to see what made me like this, here.

I am more likely to have anxiety, depression, somatization, and interpersonal sensitivity. 

So I will be anxious, extremely sad, in physical pain because I'm not mentally ok, and neverendingly fearful of your rejection. 

So maybe that is why I am freaking out a little more than I should. I hate rejection and I overanalyze social cues because I have been preprogrammed for such sad turnouts. 

I really don't want to lose you so I want to talk to reassure myself as well as make sure I am not doing anything that is harming you. 

Fuck that was a lot harder than expected

I tried calling, but it didn't work. Then you called, but you seemed so hyped about going to Dino's for D&D, I didn't want to bring anything up to down you.

I just want to make sure you're ok, and IDK how to do it without like face to face, hand on hand contact. PLZ angels wherever you are, send help. 

6.2

So this past weekend, I spent both days at M's house. It was wonderful. I loved it all.

But there's always a catch. I shouldn't feel this way, but it felt off around the .2 time. You were so much more on your phone, hella distracted, and I got a little worried. Like you don't usually check your phone while making out with me.

I think I tried to bury my concern by forcing some romantic interactions, namely .2 sex. And I am sorry, and I hope you don't read this before I get in touch with you so I can apologize in person. I've been calling/snapchatting, but alas, to no avail.

Wow, I sound like a stalkery girlfriend. I should calm down. I am so sorry for who I am. I just want to make sure you're ok, and I am sorry for smothering you. I don't know how else to do it. If you do have any input on this, please let me know. I need to know something. I think that is my fatal flaw, curiosity, and an overwhelming urge to get involved with too many things to handle.

But you are my main concern, and I am leaving aside class (which pales right now because it is manageable) to type about this to calm me down.

Why do I have to be the person to jump to conclusions? Why do I think the worst? Why do I think I was too pushy this weekend and I made you sad?

Because it is probably true. I am super sorry, but I do want to say this in person before I go home. I love you and I want to help, and even if you don't know how, just don't totally keep me out.

Also please stop me when I am too pushy, I don't realize that until retrospection, so I want to incur the least harm. I love you, and I'm sorry. 

Running Dream

And I post this a week after packing up my dorm in college. (But I'm editing this the first week of June) (and again in the 2nd week of June)

“My life is over. Behind”

I came into college thinking my life would be so much better with more freedom. I wouldn't have security cameras pointed at me at all times, parents tracking my keystrokes on my computer, or keep me under house arrest in an alarmed home. In that sense, yes it was better.

My parents always yelled at me for being too trusting. "Why can't you be like your sister and actually be street smart?"
I thought I was strong but really,
“I am a runner. That's what I do. That's who I am. Running is all I know, or want, or care about.”

I hate running honestly. Cardio is a form of torture, and I prefer muscle toning to being out of breath and heavy breathing. But seriously now. Every time people get closer than I want them to, I run. I run mentally into my cardboard refrigerator box. I run physically away from the invaders and towards others. I run with arms wide open towards danger and try to be as self-destructive as possible.

So starting this school year, I tried to be more open, hoping I could change. I told Mandy about self-harm. (She replied with the fact I am causing her stress.) I told G that I wasn't feeling ok mentally. (He laughed, holy fuck, he laughed. I read another thing on 6/5 about relationships and PTSD. It mentioned a very similar thing causing PTSD for the girl, but the guy had just ignored her. I would have preferred being ignored. At least that way nothing would have changed. He could have stayed just as emotionally distant. I'm used to being ignored by people, because deep down I know I'm not worthy of any respect. But laughing hurt the worst. My first boyfriend (who I still don't feel comfortable calling my rapist even though that is what I've been told I should do) constantly berated me especially for the things that I thought I was good at. This is why I don't take compliments about my education well; he was the one to tell me that everyone was just lying to me and that I had no worth and everyone hated me and I should never bring grades up because all it does is make others feel bad about their grades. Then he consistently blackmailed me into helping him with his homework (which was more like "Hey I gotta leave to go out. Have this done before I come back so then I can study for the test that we both have tomorrow while you go and do extra work. This is what you get for flaunting your good grades" when all I did was answer his question when he told me.) So I compartmentalized there. Laughing at me was just another reminder of what he did. Then being distant too, just another reminder of the second boyfriend. He claimed he didn't have time for me and needed to study. He also berated me for doing well in my classes despite being a senior in a magnet school. Meanwhile, he was off with another girl. Deep down I knew both of them betrayed me but I didn't want to believe it until I received confirmation this year, but I needed to be out of that relationship before the 3rd one followed suit. So to you right now, I'm sorry if I act irrationally and clingy if you're distant. I will try to tell you what I am feeling instead of waddling it off and compartmentalizing again. Whoa, that was too long of a tangent.) I bawled to Erik that one night (and I think I just made it more awkward because he still had feelings for me). I opened up to M, mostly through here, and sometimes that leaves me a little more vulnerable and scared af. (And now I'm constantly fighting with myself, trying to figure out what is too much like they said. I bawled to him last week as a side effect of self depreciation and self-hatred, and it bothered me since. I don't like the vulnerability involved, nor do I like being dependent sometimes, but I also don't want to repeat my bottling up which blew up any close relationships I've had. Shoe said that M should be my support for everything, and be willing to listen to everything, but isn't that too much of a burden for someone? Especially if it has to do with me, because I know I'm burdensome. I think I need to go back to therapy again, but I don't know how that will go. A bit too much of a charge there.)

“It's disturbing how fast weeds take root in my garden of worthiness.
They're so hard to pull.
And grow back so easily.”

I am so sorry I hate myself so much that it is bringing you down. I remember when we were kids, my friends and I would always try to look out of the peepholes, but we were too short to reach them. One person would have to go on their hands and knees and support the others who wanted to climb up. I always volunteered right away to be closest to the floor, because that's where I saw myself fit to belong.

“I wipe away my tears and nod, because the pain in my leg is nothing compare to the one in my heart.”

I can volunteer to give myself pain to lift others up, and now I want to do the same by shutting up my feelings. Look at me though, I am friends with none of them anymore, but I don't want to lose the closest few to me now, so I am trying to not shut it in too much. I just need to figure out where my filter should begin, and if you have any input, please tell me, because honestly, I am so lost right now.

Because of everything, I think I'm just worried everyone sees me just as those closest to me saw me forever ago, trash. I know I shouldn't care, but I can't help the panic and fear that comes along with judgment and alienation. I am trying to be ok, but please tell me if I ever become too much to handle. If anything is an issue, I'd rather deal with it on good terms rather than confusion. And I will always try to be as truthful as possible, and if not in person, it will be through here.

So with my eyes tearing up once again, all I ask is this:

"Don't sum up the person based on what you see, or what you don't understand; get to know them.”

And I hope this can be followed, but we all know college students and brown girls and gossip...

Fallen

How have I fallen for a very perfect soul?

I had fallen deeper into a saddened state yesterday, but he was there for me. He said that we had to come up with good things about ourselves, and then the other would add on to that list. I guess just hearing the fact that he saw I was so down and wanted to fix it made me already feel much better.

We made the cutest fort ever and spent the night together in a lounge.

He said a good thing about himself, and I was lost from the beginning. I feel like I said things that weren't totally true. Every statement about my personality seemed to be a double-edged sword, and it could have been totally untrue.

Maybe I compare myself too much, and that is probably the reason I am a fallen broken person.

And I wanted to describe how his personality is amazing, the gentle, the rough, the dreamer, the laid-back, the lover, the M, the everything, but somehow the proper words evaded me. I wish I could express my love of all of him better because many of the things I love him for are so contradictory.
He is gentle, and loving, and caring and knows what to say, but sexually, boy oh boy, he is rough and I love it. I froze, entranced in my wondrous view of his face instead.

I am a bit jealous of him.

I wish I could articulate better with deeper emotions like he does, instead of being decent at surface conversations. I wish I could maintain relationships with others. I used to be ok with that, but college has been a bad situation for that, and I've dragged down college and high school relationships. I wish I could hide as much as him like my eyes wouldn't betray every single emotion running through my head because that just means I have to bare my soul to plenty of other people, and I hate being open with anyone but him.

I built the walls around my heart up so high, so now that I have fallen, I fell hard and fast, falling into the deep dark unknown below, but I am nonetheless enthralled by the prospect of being with him.

SLUT TM

You know what's the worst part about that word? Believing it for yourself.

Actually, that isn't the worst. The worst would be branding it on yourself. *insert my name here* the Slut TM. And then proceeding to actually etch it on to yourself using a hot knife.

I looked at my wrist today as I was rethinking life. I'm not sure if I was considering suicide again, or just reminiscing about my cutting days, but I saw that burn mark remaining there and it scared me.

I was frightened so much of what I was capable of doing in my rash states, I just sat there in shock.

The darkened scarred skin looks all too real, but it has healed so it is not too noticeable. Only my memories plague most of my mind.

Smelling burning skin sucks but the sound is somewhat comforting, with the slight sizzle and pop. That is scary how much I like this. I should stop.

I feel like I am on a roller coaster of hating myself, and then going and loving someone else. and sometimes that ends up coinciding and I don't like the way that is.

I feel worse that I want to hurt myself because of the fact that it hurts the people around me. I don't want to hurt you, but sometimes it is like an addiction I can't help. But I promise you, I am trying my hardest to not hurt myself. I am trying my hardest to talk through it, rather than reaching for that knife that sounds oh so comforting right now.

I really don't want to hurt you or be followed around by such labels, because those honestly hurt as much as my scars and how my self-harm hurts others.

NOTE TO SELF. DON'T LABEL YOURSELF A SLUT. YOU ARE WHAT YOU BELIEVE, AND EVEN YOUR PSYCHOLOGiST HAS TOLD YOU TO NOT BELIEVE YOU ARE A SLUT BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T SHOWN CRAZY SIGNS. STOP IT, SELF. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT!

Speech

May First
The day they both talked to me.
Mandy and G
First a semi-snarky comment, then something normal.
But then again, I might be overanalyzing the snark because of prior bias.
First, it was "Wow your alarm is super annoying, it keeps going off" and then "Bless you" from Mandy.
Then it was "Are you really eating batter" to which I replied "yes... it's eggless so it's ok" and then he proceeds to ask about other things.


Normal conversation is weird.
I remembered how much I hate people, but I love being around certain few, and that makes it ok.
Currently, I'm great with M, Erik, Shu, Clo, and the kinda sorta honors friends and like more normal Redwood people. I'm like a pendulum with K. I'm not terrible with Gav, Ben, Nicks, Kris, Bill. I'd rather not be around Squad A, but hey that's life.

You gotta deal with others, and I'm learning how to do that. Start with small speech stuff, and make your way bigger. You can do it, girl. I have faith in you. (not really, but I'm trying to)

The Same

Everyone is so much of the same, yet different.
Yes, I have a repeat history.
Erik has done it. Nicky has done it. M almost did. My first bf did it.

Cheating.

The first time, I was too blind to realize how my relationship with S could be anything more. I guess I counted a physical act as cheating at the time, and since there was no real physical touch meant to be romantic or a kiss or anything further.

The second time, I didn't even want to be in that relationship at the time and was looking for a way out. And then I willingly went for the other guy, who I admittedly had a lot more feelings for.

Eric said there are a variety of reasons behind what happened.

However, the reason I felt that way was cause I felt like I knew that people have reasons why they cheat. Everyone wants to just call them assholes and shit and yes, they did a horrible and shitty thing. Their reason for it might be dumb or it might have merit to it. In either case, it’s still cheating.

So yes, my reasoning is probably the dumb one.

The first time, I felt like G and I were over because we had basically ended it when he kinda ignored the fact that I wanted him to be more attentive/ less distant and nothing changed whatsoever. We barely talked for the 3 weeks prior to the first break up, well more like I wanted to talk or be there and he always wanted to be with squad so like we would never really talk. I went out with S that Saturday, and it wasn't supposed to be romantic, and then at the end of the night I got vibes that he wanted to kiss me so I ran to my car and was like NOPE. Then the car ride home, I made up a lie to make myself feel worse. I told myself, hey you did this and you now really want to date him because he is sweet and will not ignore you like G does and you're super attracted to him. Yes I did like him my freshman year of high school, as like the oh hey someone in charge (not really) paying attention to me, but not like "like like" him. I got over that super fast when he wanted to get with like all of my guard friends. But I guess I always felt bad for everyone hating him because he was in the same place with being bullied by dumb Metuchenites, so I was always super nice to him.

Right. Back to the story. Car ride home. Dumb lies. So I went straight to the people I thought I could trust the most. Fucking "Actual Squad" Our HS trio. The reason I still missed HS. And I told them I feel bad for going out with S. Truth is, I didn't feel bad because I still wanted to be friends and I ran before anything actually happened. But in order to lie to yourself, you have to lie to others too to make sure they continue the lie back to yourself.

I came home from a night out with S

And I feel weird

Facebook User

why?

Ayushi

I feel like I'm emotionally cheating

Idk

M

M

Woah how come

U think u like S?

??

Ayushi

I think so

Idk

I'm so confused

Facebook User

nooooooo

not s noooo

Ayushi

There's so many emotions rn

Truth is, I felt hella empty. I didn't want to deal with people. But the easiest mask and cure for emptiness is forcing human interaction, so that is what I did. I deepened the lie by saying how I would rather date S than G. And then they told me how G was not good for me and how I needed someone who wouldn't ignore me/be distant like my 2nd boyfriend repeatedly did. And I think that is what I wanted from them, the push to break up with him. I suck at break ups, and I don't want to hurt feelings, but I guess he seemed so unattached/distant already, I didn't realize it would actually affect him at all. But then Mandy had to tell G, which makes sense, but Girl Code just died there. Yet my dumbass self continued to talk to her about boys (like G) after all of that happened. I just don't learn.

So I continued talking to S until things fell apart 3 days later. I think it is my low-key pity talking that makes me not want to stop talking to him, and like sometimes, he was a good friend. So I guess I didn't actually think it was cheating because I didn't want anything to happen, even though there was flirting because that's how we interacted since freshman year, even while I was in the relationship with my second bf.

I still don't know why I didn't tell him about G before. Wait, thats a lie. I didn't want to say anything in front of Mandy when he first asked, and then after that, we were in public places and I didn't feel like dealing with drama like certain people overhearing. And IDK, I think I also wasn't really proud of the relationship. Like I didn't want it in the air because I knew on the inside it wouldn't be a good relationship from the beginning.

I resorted to lists like these to determine whether he was good, and honestly, neither of them fit as much as M does, so why would I ever settle. Part of me knew I wasn't worthy of anyone's love and care, and so I just wanted a quick fix when I knew I wouldn't be able to get anything more. So I settled, and I shouldn't have. S fit it more than G did so it worked for my lies to myself and Mar and Mandy. LOL when Mandy said that she didn't think either of them could ever be boyfriend material.

Second time, is a lot more recent. I never wanted to actually be in that relationship, but I was afraid of taking a life away, so I never really said no, or every time I started, I saw the hurt, and then shut myself up and became a total yes-girl. I hate myself for that. Then M and I watched a movie, and I realized how much I wanted it, but I wasn't sure if I should go for it, so I guess again with the emotional cheating, but I didn't initiate physical cheating. I think that was my way of absolving myself from blame, but honestly, I hate myself every day for doing the things I did.

So we have all messed up, some physically, some mentally, some both. And like Erik said, we get called assholes, but it isn't right to judge anyone or hate them indefinitely for their acrtions because everyone fucks up. I don't hate G anymore for the hurtful things he said, I just know that I need to distance myself from him before I fall apart again. I don't hate Mandy for blocking me and telling my parents, though I often wish she didn't have that needy sense to spill everything to everyone, because I also know I need distance from her. Sure, I may still get panic attack near them, but I'm working on it. We are all the same, yet different, and I come from a place of forgiveness. I wish others saw the same.

Safe

You know, it is very important to feel safe. And for the longest time, I didn't feel that way. Maybe that is why I became a runner, as someone who doesn't feel safe with those closest to them.

My first bf hurt me, and I never quite trusted anyone fully anymore. All of my friends were on the "prude" side and so I couldn't open up about any real feelings I had. They would judge me very harshly, or I just wasn't close enough to talk about anything. Otherwise, even if I could get over the judging, I was afraid of the lack of privacy involved with telling them. AKA they are blabbermouths if I trusted them enough. And privacy is something I value a lot, and once someone breaks that, I do not ever feel safe with them again.

But now for the first time, I feel safe. Sure, there are plenty of haters and people I may be scared of, but one action stood out very much and I could not control the sense of security that I felt that I missed oh-so-much.

I was in Erik's room, and as we were watching Blair Witch, K came in the room. He said a derogatory statement about girls, something along the lines of "I don't respect them, I just take them and fuck them." That line made me super uncomfortable, and all I could think of was the lack of respect and hurt feelings from my first boyfriend and being used by G for sex every time before he decides to break up with me. It always felt wrong, like a "Fuck them until you're good and then leave", and I can't believe I trusted him after.

But enough about that, I am talking about the K story. He made it worse by grabbing my legs after that while repeating that sentiment. I think I was having a panic attack during and after. I couldn't breathe right. Everything felt heavy and everything around me started spinning. I felt like I was choking on my own tongue. I wanted to throw up, but I just sat there, immobilized by fear. I think I squeezed M at that time, but I'm not completely sure. It was all kind of a blur.

I think it took a while for me to process that I was scared, so after K left and I was left in silence to actually think, it kind of hit me hard that it was probably a panic attack. And so I held on to M for dear life, as a support system.

K walked back in later, and took a step towards me, and I tensed up. M noticed and used his body as a shield. Sure it was a single leg and a single arm, but I don't think I have ever felt safer. Sure, I felt the fear creeping up from the sight of K in the same position as earlier, but most of it was kept at bay by just hearing and seeing M's response. Why do you make me feel so safe? I don't know, but I do feel that way, and for that, thank you sooooooo much.

And just as I started this post, a great song came on. So, "I will love you unconditionally" 💗

Vulnerable

For so long, I was afraid. I had been taught some bad things by someone who I trusted a lot, and thought I loved, and then he hurt me, badly. I have to say I haven't been the same since, because that is the fucking truth. Sure I was crazy as a kid, but not self-destructive to this point. So I came to believe this quote, because Gaiman is one of my favorite authors.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
— Neil Gaiman (The Kindly Ones (The Sandman, #9))

I've been in relationships since, and most have not been that great. I allowed myself to say in mentally destructive relationships just for other people and trying to make myself be a better person by being more forgiving. I should have left when I was being ignored. I should have left when I was being called things I didn't appreciate. I should have left when I didn't want it.

So now that I have something that I do love dearly, I am super happy, but there's a big part of me that is scared of being vulnerable and losing that someone because I know it will tear me apart. But there's more of me hating that quote, disbelieving it. I want it to be wrong so badly I will ask for not much else. I hate love, but I love it all the same.

Now I'm so focused on the thrill, the sweet sentiments, and the words being exchanged. I started writing this after he told me something that shocked me thoroughly. He said that he would become vegetarian for me, and he said it like it was like no big deal. To change something in your lifestyle, that is huge. And him willing to do that for me, I just was so shocked. Not many others would do the same. In fact, it only happens in fairy tales and stories. Normally when things get real like that, I run. I'm a runner. and I am so sorry for that. I shut down and hide away more. But this time, things were different. I didn't get that panic that normally sets in. I didn't feel the need to start screaming in fear of the future. I didn't want to run. For the first time, I wanted to stay. And I still want to stay, with days to mull over this fact. It still surprises me how I am not running away, but maybe I've finally found my dream guy, and it honestly makes me very happy. 

AGH

So I just found out something that makes me super happy, because I was so stressed about this earlier. And then I just remembered this.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” ― Bob Marley

This is so true. Sure I won the Provost research scholarship/grant idk, but I have someone better to share my happiness with. 💟💟💟💟💟🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

Marius and Cosette

She starts out sad and gets sadder and then has a happy ending.

He almost dies and then ends up happy.


This is us right?

I want us to be happy.
Every moment with you, I feel like I'm floating. I feel more at ease, at home, open, and in love.

Love is such an overused word, yet it is so underused. I love you.

“Cosette, in her seclusion, like Marius in his, was all ready to take fire. Destiny, with its mysterious and fatal patience, was slowly bringing these two beings near each other, fully charged and all languishing with the stormy electricities of passion,—these two souls which held love as two clouds hold lightning, and which were to meet and mingle in a glace like clouds in a flash.
The power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories, that it has come to be disbelieved in. Few people dare now to say that two beings have fallen in love because they have looked at each other. Yet it is in this way that love begins, and in this way only. The rest is only the rest, and comes afterwards. Nothing is more real than these great shocks which two souls give each other in exchanging this spark.
At that particular moment when Cosette unconsciously looked with this glance which so affected Marius, Marius had no suspicion that he also had a glance which affected Cosette.”

First glance, I knew you were going to be close, I just didn't realize how close. You are wonderful, and I'm sorry to drag you through all of my crazy shit because I'm people-dumb. I love spending every second with you, but I'm worried I might smother you, so just be real with me when you don't want me around. I will make stories in my head after, but it will be better in the long run. I don't want to ever lose you. 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

Vent

Funny word.
It used to be our code word for when we needed to talk to each other.
Sorry. Correction. When he needed to yell at me about something I was doing wrong.

But that is exactly what I did on the same night that I messed up.
I went to Erik's room to explain the messed up situation.

And then I started saying something,

"And I hate how G... wait nevermind I shouldn't be saying this"

But he told me it was ok to vent, just like Sue told me I shouldn't  be afraid to say my feelings, especially not to the LOML.

So I did.

It was weird at first, full of regrets (I shouldn't be this angry) full of outburst (WHYYYYYYY) full of emotion (*tears streaming down face dragging makeup with it).

But I felt worse, then better, after.

I ended up sleeping over, which I probably shouldn't have, but I felt too drained and empty to move.

I never quite understood how other people could say such shit about others and then feel better after because I never really did it. I berate myself in those as much because I shouldn't be this hateful, but I also don't know how to be hurt. I turn sadness in to anger, and I realize that, and I guess that is a good thing because that is the first step to figuring it out, but I have no clue how to fix it. I just want to be more "zen". Be calmer, less hating, more loving. I'm trying, but sometimes it feels soooooooo good to vent.

But sometimes, I'm worried I'm going to let off too much steam and it will leave some people with 2nd degree burns. 

I messed up

Do you want to hear the story of the girl who was gullible enough to believe that people could change?

This girl messed up. She listened to the sweet voice saying I will not berate you. She listened to the fact that he felt victimized, approached by another guy who admittedly was hostile to him. She listened to him say he felt lost and out of the loop.

She understood where he came from, but could not really express that. 

He said she wasn't remorseful, but he can't see the pain behind. He doesn't understand how difficult it is to hurt feelings. He does it so easily, no regrets, no fucks given. 

He said he wasn't there to berate me. (Slut)

He said he just wanted to listen and not judge. (You're the problem)
He said he hadn't made a decision on who to believe yet. (History repeats itself)

Then she heard a phone call from her ex best friend, asking why it was taking so long. (She's a dumb bitch with nothing to say)

So she shut up even more. (Wow this is dumb)

And then he started the onslaught of daggers laced with venomous words. Blame was thrown like a grenade, ready to blow up and destroy lives. Every title shattered bones like a bullet hit hard in her body.

She sat there on the stairs with a smile, because that was the only way she could hold herself together. The high pitched, nonchalant "OK" as every word jabbed in just seemed to anger him more. He looked for every single hole in her armor. He kept stabbing at her paper armor, only seeing that it hit armor, not seeing the bleeding wounds underneath.

She said she had a meeting, and she did, but she ended up missing it by lying down motionless in her abode. She was too sick to get up, wondering if everyone hated her with this much passion. Her mind wouldn't stop thinking of the possibilities, and for a moment, she even lost faith in her trust for the one she trusted most. And that was a sickening moment, because she regretted that the most.

She messed up. 

I'm Scared

SRS Fuck it



I'm scared of losing this one person and being alone. Loneliness sucks. I hate people but I love them too. I just hate being hated and judged I guess without everyone knowing everything.


Vomit also tastes icky. Please make it stop world.

Fuck

Why do I say "I don't want anything right now" but that translates into "try again tomorrow and I will say yes"?

I need to learn to say no. I need to be like fuck you. NO.

I am not attracted to you. It was the night of break up 3 and you went for a kiss the night after. Why did I have to say things that boosted your low self-esteem at my cost? Why did I have to listen to everything you said. I feel disgusting.

I had SRS right after night 1, but I couldn't sleep in my room nor go to a lounge nor in M's room. I hated myself more than anything, but I know depression. It is easier to deal with angry people than sad people. I couldn't let him see that he wasn't what I wanted, just the idea of him was enough to make me not go "haha nope" and instead go I don't think so.

I can't tell him that I talked to the therapist that he sees that I didn't feel anything. Like he made me happy as a friend, comforting and willing to help, but I could never see him as a romantic prospect. But shit went on and I regret it totally. Ew talk about bodies, why?

The Tuesday before anything went down with M, I made it clear I wanted nothing more from him, but he said it was late at night and that I wasn't thinking straight. Thus dismissed with a single line, I went to bed and he wanted more.

I hate being assertive to people who have more power than me.

Throw Up

I have an orgo test in another 30 minutes, and I have no clue what I am doing in that class so FML. But honestly, I took another look at myself and want to throw up.

Grey's Anatomy. Season 2 Episode 17. As We Know It.

Meredith goes for danger, holding the bomb in her hand. She reached for disaster and is a magnet for all sorts of bad shit, and honestly, I am the same. I bring about disaster, hate, disappointment in everyone around me.

I am a disappointment to my parents. I have had a relationship. I have had physical contact which went a lot further than everyone expected. I am not the fucking role model they expect me to be for everyone in the fucking temple. I don't want to be that person because all she does is study and respect. I don't want to be alienated by everyone there anymore, but it is too late for that. I fucked up and have shunned myself. I've failed them.

I am hated by all of my friends who get close to me. Squad A either hates me or doesn't really talk to me. Squad B IDK if they know all of whatever is going on, but the only person who really talks to me is the psychopath. Squad C is probably in the dark about what happened and they still talk to me openly.

I feel like I have brought on disaster to the one person who I care most about right now. He was yelled at by Erik and I had no clue. I feel so bad, feeling like I'm on a cart and he is tied to the back right now and he is just dragging in the back, scratched up, bruised, brutally hurt and eventually killed.

I am hated by someone who I couldn't say no to, and I don't know how to fix that with all of the bad shit that could have happened had I said no. I didn't want that relationship, and I'm so sorry I went into it. Fuck me. I have lied to everyone around me about it. The only person who knew originally was Ky because she is bae and he really wanted her to know. But before he met her, I told her that I was weird in the relationship and I wanted to end it because he wasn't what I wanted, and he smooth talked his way in and she said, "Cool, he's a good one." And then proceeded to say about the one I really wanted, "Gah he's super cute. I'd date him if I didn't have my boyfriend." I know girl, I know.

Might as well pick up that fucking bomb and squeeze. I just want to end all of that. Everyone would be happier without me. Actually, that's not true. I can't even fucking die in peace. I would hurt the one who I love, but maybe make everyone else a little happier. The "psycho bitch" who manages to "manipulate everyone in sight" wouldn't hurt anyone else this way. At least this way the "most fucked up person ever" won't be around to fuck up anyone else. I can be the "slut" who will "burn in hell" and it will be ok.

Fuck that might have been too much. Agh!
Fuck it!
JUST FUCK FUCK FUCK CFU-SDS=GSJLKDG
I WFSOFNVOKMNOKGHOWIDJFLK SDF
I DONT KNOW ANYMORE
FIX ME
I WANNA BE WHOLE AGAIN
BLEH JS[G
SIDGSD
GAH
MEH
BOOP


damnit
Can I go back to being just physically ill instead of mentally ill? It would be easier. Maybe the cysts already inside of me can become cancerous and I can die of natural causes since I can't go on birth control anyways.


Fuck I wanna die, but I don't. I live for the love around me. So instead I may just vomit at the thought of myself, and focus on the fucking gorgeous flowers outside. 

Failure

I know I was angry and I hate myself for it. Why do I put up that front? Because I am sad. Maybe just as sad as Erik, maybe more, maybe less. We all have our pain points, and my points come from some people, and I am other people’s points. The world goes around in its own way and fucks up people everywhere.

I don’t mean to hurt people but sometimes I do. I’m so scared someone else will be next. A tryst always has room for disaster setting in.

Dating within a friend group is such a hassle, but you can’t choose who you fall for. 4 members of squad have professed some sort of feelings since the beginning of the school year, and I am a bit overwhelmed. I don’t see it. I’m not worth it. I am a magnet for trouble after 3 (5?) failed relationships, I am the common denominator, the only link behind the pain and suffering on either end of the relationship.

 I hurt one of those 4 people unknowingly during 3 tries at a relationship. I should have kept it ended the first time I broke up with him. And why did I have to go to the movies with that other guy right before I broke up with Gianna? I was going as friends and he wanted more, and apparently, I led him on and he’s also been told to avoid me, but of course, he doesn’t. I was just used to being that open, because like he said for the years prior, “A relationship between us would never happen or even work.” So why did that suddenly change in his head when I went to college? And maybe it was the fact that I told Gianna a couple weeks earlier that he was being distant, and I felt just as hurt and ignored as when I told him I wasn’t doing ok, but I went and spun some stories. I made myself go back to freshman year of high school when I was kind of crushing on this other movie guy and spun everything into a happily ever after story. I made myself think I still liked him after the movie just to make my decision to break up with Gianna even more steadfast. Deep down I knew I didn’t really like him though, ugh. Why do I lie to myself the most?

 I fell for the sweetest guy in the group, and I’m happy to say the feeling is mutual. But I have hurt the most open of the group because he asked me out a solid 2 weeks before the official start of this relationship. I feel like I fucked up and hurt everyone around me more, but I don’t know how to fix it because I hate going back to being sad, depressed, and lonely. I am further reminded of how I am a failure. I can't control my emotions and then hurt others. FAILURE

Response

I read them. The pieces in the writing folder by the 2 who have feelings for me. I read them, and I feel helpless.

First, let's start with Erik, the one who I crushed. I am the reason he is depressed, jealous, and in essence, selfish. I want to say to him that I have been in the same boat and that it sucks immensely. But, I can't be the one to tell him that. I don't think I am in the right place. I want to talk to him, comfort him, hug him, but I can't. I don't know what is proper and what isn't anymore. Zayn is right about one thing, that we are all self-centered. Just, some people feel bad about it, and some people find excuses and feel like they are entitled to whatever they did.
I want to tell Erik I have the same pent-up energy, and I punch backpacks, walls, and pillows because my last outlet involved too much blood or burning.
I want to tell him, that I do love him, as a friend, and that he will always be one of my best friends, but I don't know how.
I want to tell him that I would be too scared in a relationship with him, because too much openness in a relationship is a scary reminder of how I felt destroyed every time before.
I want to tell him I'm too broken for him, and I would drag him down.
I want to tell him I want the same thing in a relationship, but mine is with no external drama.
I want to tell him it will be ok, but do I even think it will?
We are too similar, and sometimes that just hurts even more.

So now we come to Mike. Agh, why did you have to write all of those things? I don't want you to take it down at all but it hit so close to every feeling I have.

Life is a fucking rollercoaster. You echoed Erik's words, "Why does she have to be so nice?" and all I can say is I don't feel like I deserve that qualifier.
Then you talk about Gianna, and what he said, and I feel scared that there is going to be a second worse outburst from him. I never told anyone because I felt weird about it, but I shipped him and his crush L while we were still together (the third time). That sounds weird, but we called it FWB the third time, and I knew people getting terribly hurt was inevitable, but I have always wanted the best for him. Plus they seemed super cute together, well seem even cuter now so I'm happy for him. No matter how angry I seem on the outside, and yes, I am a bit hurt on the inside, I still want him to be ok. I miss him, not the relationship, just his friendship. I didn't want to hurt him, by falling for the one person he was worried I was cheating on him with. The words he said, "You are the one thing in her world who makes her happy so if you really care about her, say 'fuck everyone else' and go for it." were a big surprise. I want us to be ok, but I know that isn't happening after he blocked me, or at least not for a little while. Haha mutually fuck each other works both ways, emotionally and physically. We both did shitty things, and I have no idea why I kept running back. The first time he was being distant, I should have known that it wasn't a good idea to stay. I would have never been happy, and I would have hated myself and hurt others. And of course, that is how it played out. Fuck! When I was sitting at the table with 3 people who either like me right now or once did, we did the what right click menu would you have, and the only word I managed to get out of my head was "undo" before the interruption. Like you said, we did what we did and we can't undo it. “Three times; why am I such an idiot!” So fucking true, and we both thought it. We both need space, and on such a small campus, that is impossible.

I can't drop people like that either, even if people are causing immense pain or destroying my life. I hope for the better in people just so I don't have to deal with loss. I remember when I did the same thing, be sad and lonely so everyone else wouldn't be hurt. That is why nobody knew about the sexual assault. That is why I burst out. I'm finicky and fickle, and most of all scared I will be swayed again and have to hide it from everyone because I fucked up enough. Suffering alone was just easier because people are hard. They hate, they judge, they shun, and my therapist says I shouldn't have to deal with that bullshit, but that goes back to dropping people, and I can't bring myself to do that. This is why I take 50 million photos all the time, for memories, when shit like this goes down because I come from a place where bad shit always happens. You lasted 2 weeks, and I feel like B and K happened the same amount of time after the first asking out.
You feel bad about hurting people, and I just feel like I'm already hanging off that cliff into the pit of snapping gators, ready to take my life away, and honestly I can't wait for that rope to break so I can crash and fall, but then I remember the happiness I feel with you and those feelings are replaced by the regret of wanting to die. Fuck I blame myself for that line "you are the one good thing about this rotten world” because I think I said something quite similar to you one night while feeling quite emotional. I agree with the fact that I don't think I totally feel that way, but for the most part it is true.
I'm glad you opened up to me about your dreams and how they have been steadier like I was the one in them rather than the random people, so you're subconsciously doing better.

Holy fuck. I don't see myself with any of these positive things you both say.

"“I have literally one person stuck in my head now and there’s almost nothing that’s gonna change it though. I wanna tell them how I feel and I’m so scared to and blah blah blah.”

“So enjoy, person that I like. You might literally be the last thing on Earth that’s making me happy. No pressure, right?”

“I hate how I am.
I love how you are.
Everything works against my being.
Even my own thoughts.”

“Is it your eyes?
Is it your lips?
Is it how you treat me?
Is it just you?”

Why did you have to mention the lips.

“I wish I didn’t look at my friends and think.
“ ‘God, I wish I could be with you.’ ”

Oh man. "

This confuses me like all positive statements about me do. I don't get them. Every time I hear a compliment, I smile or say thanks or more often "SHUT UP" because I have to hide how on the inside I just think you're fucking insane because I am not allowed to be seen in that light.

Wow, I just reread all of this and I sound insane, but I'm posting it anyways.

Suicide

So I found out today that Amy Bleuel killed herself. You may not recognize the name, but you may know what she contributed to society. You know the anti-suicide semicolon tattoos? She was the one who started that. Such an inspiration, yet she went and offed herself.
What kind of message is that supposed to send for the rest of us? If I could have gotten a tattoo, I would have gotten that one, but now it is just a symbol of failure, punctuated by her corpse. Thanks a lot, Amy. Why the fuck did you have to be like Ned.

Ned Vizzini is a great guy. Sorry, was a great guy. He wrote It's Kind of a Funny Story. That book was so inspirational. He wrote about a character who wanted to commit suicide, and then called the suicide hotline. Then the main character ended up in a mental hospital where he met some interesting personages. And he ended with something along the lines of the fact that if you feel suicidal, don't actually kill yourself, just call the suicide hotline or reach out or something instead.

But what does he go and do? He kills himself the year after I meet him (well I think it was the year after, I'm terrible with time and memory, especially combined). So the author that I felt I had a small but deep connection to just because he wrote one of his books to take place in Metuchen and he was in a dark place went and killed himself. He was my role model for calling the fucking suicide hotline in the book, but now he's dead and so is Amy Bleuel and I'm worried I'll be soon to follow.

Hypocrisy

My life has fallen to shambles, and it is only my first year in college. I've dealt with love, sex, betrayal, hate, and bullying all from the same person, but this post isn't only targetted at that one person. It is both of you, but each member of your quartet falls under these words. 

I don't get people. We are all the same and should expect the same thing from each other as you do with yourself without getting angry, yet hypocrisy runs amok. 

I don't get it. 

Why do you tell me to open up, and then when I do, you strike down swiftly, saying I'm needy and manipulative?

Why do you ask me how I'm doing, when you will just berate me for anything that I say?

Why am I always in the wrong, even when you admitted to coming to my room with the intent of seeing me hurt?

Why do you think you can diagnose me with BPD, when you aren't a health care professional, and all of what you say is biased and even my psychologist confirmed that everyone has some traits and I definitely do not have BPD?

Why did you yell at me for getting drunk (it was only a single beer) the Friday after we broke up and crying over how much I missed the good things about you, and then yourself get drunk and proceed to tell the brothers (of the frat I convinced you to pledge with me) how I ruined your life?

Just because I am not comfortable with confronting you and hurting your feelings, doesn't mean you can come into my room and call me a manipulative bitch, the worst person ever, a slut. 

You call me manipulative, but honestly, look at yourself. You knew how much I was hurting after you ripped me to shreds, and you knew I have a caretaker personality from the time I took care of you when you were sick. Yet you still made the proposition and knowing me, you knew I'd agree. I shouldn't have done that, but somehow I fell back into your trap. And now I feel hurt and used, and I can't let anyone know why. So now bitch about me to your friends, to my ex-best friend, to the people I introduced to Squad, to the people you had secretly made fun of earlier, to the people you love shitting on when they are not around. Hopefully, they find out about all of those times, but they should find out by themselves, because who am I to say anything. 

You say you want to know what people say about you and yet you don't even have the decency to say how and when you betrayed me. 

I am so lost as to how I can fix myself. Since you seem so hell-bent on instructing me how I should live my life with rules quite different from yours, please elaborate on your plan for the rest of my short life until I actually take that shot of bleach to cleanse me from your dumb rules. 

So thank you, Gianna, Mandy, Amy, and Ted. Thank you very, very much for all that you've put me through because now I'm a stronger person, and don't worry. I now realize that I don't need two-faced people in my life, ready for sex at one moment and then ready to cut ties with me the next. 

But it's ok, Karma is a bitch. Wishing ill on others will just drain you and cause more problems in the future. Have fun :)