Running Dream

And I post this a week after packing up my dorm in college. (But I'm editing this the first week of June) (and again in the 2nd week of June)

“My life is over. Behind”

I came into college thinking my life would be so much better with more freedom. I wouldn't have security cameras pointed at me at all times, parents tracking my keystrokes on my computer, or keep me under house arrest in an alarmed home. In that sense, yes it was better.

My parents always yelled at me for being too trusting. "Why can't you be like your sister and actually be street smart?"
I thought I was strong but really,
“I am a runner. That's what I do. That's who I am. Running is all I know, or want, or care about.”

I hate running honestly. Cardio is a form of torture, and I prefer muscle toning to being out of breath and heavy breathing. But seriously now. Every time people get closer than I want them to, I run. I run mentally into my cardboard refrigerator box. I run physically away from the invaders and towards others. I run with arms wide open towards danger and try to be as self-destructive as possible.

So starting this school year, I tried to be more open, hoping I could change. I told Mandy about self-harm. (She replied with the fact I am causing her stress.) I told G that I wasn't feeling ok mentally. (He laughed, holy fuck, he laughed. I read another thing on 6/5 about relationships and PTSD. It mentioned a very similar thing causing PTSD for the girl, but the guy had just ignored her. I would have preferred being ignored. At least that way nothing would have changed. He could have stayed just as emotionally distant. I'm used to being ignored by people, because deep down I know I'm not worthy of any respect. But laughing hurt the worst. My first boyfriend (who I still don't feel comfortable calling my rapist even though that is what I've been told I should do) constantly berated me especially for the things that I thought I was good at. This is why I don't take compliments about my education well; he was the one to tell me that everyone was just lying to me and that I had no worth and everyone hated me and I should never bring grades up because all it does is make others feel bad about their grades. Then he consistently blackmailed me into helping him with his homework (which was more like "Hey I gotta leave to go out. Have this done before I come back so then I can study for the test that we both have tomorrow while you go and do extra work. This is what you get for flaunting your good grades" when all I did was answer his question when he told me.) So I compartmentalized there. Laughing at me was just another reminder of what he did. Then being distant too, just another reminder of the second boyfriend. He claimed he didn't have time for me and needed to study. He also berated me for doing well in my classes despite being a senior in a magnet school. Meanwhile, he was off with another girl. Deep down I knew both of them betrayed me but I didn't want to believe it until I received confirmation this year, but I needed to be out of that relationship before the 3rd one followed suit. So to you right now, I'm sorry if I act irrationally and clingy if you're distant. I will try to tell you what I am feeling instead of waddling it off and compartmentalizing again. Whoa, that was too long of a tangent.) I bawled to Erik that one night (and I think I just made it more awkward because he still had feelings for me). I opened up to M, mostly through here, and sometimes that leaves me a little more vulnerable and scared af. (And now I'm constantly fighting with myself, trying to figure out what is too much like they said. I bawled to him last week as a side effect of self depreciation and self-hatred, and it bothered me since. I don't like the vulnerability involved, nor do I like being dependent sometimes, but I also don't want to repeat my bottling up which blew up any close relationships I've had. Shoe said that M should be my support for everything, and be willing to listen to everything, but isn't that too much of a burden for someone? Especially if it has to do with me, because I know I'm burdensome. I think I need to go back to therapy again, but I don't know how that will go. A bit too much of a charge there.)

“It's disturbing how fast weeds take root in my garden of worthiness.
They're so hard to pull.
And grow back so easily.”

I am so sorry I hate myself so much that it is bringing you down. I remember when we were kids, my friends and I would always try to look out of the peepholes, but we were too short to reach them. One person would have to go on their hands and knees and support the others who wanted to climb up. I always volunteered right away to be closest to the floor, because that's where I saw myself fit to belong.

“I wipe away my tears and nod, because the pain in my leg is nothing compare to the one in my heart.”

I can volunteer to give myself pain to lift others up, and now I want to do the same by shutting up my feelings. Look at me though, I am friends with none of them anymore, but I don't want to lose the closest few to me now, so I am trying to not shut it in too much. I just need to figure out where my filter should begin, and if you have any input, please tell me, because honestly, I am so lost right now.

Because of everything, I think I'm just worried everyone sees me just as those closest to me saw me forever ago, trash. I know I shouldn't care, but I can't help the panic and fear that comes along with judgment and alienation. I am trying to be ok, but please tell me if I ever become too much to handle. If anything is an issue, I'd rather deal with it on good terms rather than confusion. And I will always try to be as truthful as possible, and if not in person, it will be through here.

So with my eyes tearing up once again, all I ask is this:

"Don't sum up the person based on what you see, or what you don't understand; get to know them.”

And I hope this can be followed, but we all know college students and brown girls and gossip...

Fallen

How have I fallen for a very perfect soul?

I had fallen deeper into a saddened state yesterday, but he was there for me. He said that we had to come up with good things about ourselves, and then the other would add on to that list. I guess just hearing the fact that he saw I was so down and wanted to fix it made me already feel much better.

We made the cutest fort ever and spent the night together in a lounge.

He said a good thing about himself, and I was lost from the beginning. I feel like I said things that weren't totally true. Every statement about my personality seemed to be a double-edged sword, and it could have been totally untrue.

Maybe I compare myself too much, and that is probably the reason I am a fallen broken person.

And I wanted to describe how his personality is amazing, the gentle, the rough, the dreamer, the laid-back, the lover, the M, the everything, but somehow the proper words evaded me. I wish I could express my love of all of him better because many of the things I love him for are so contradictory.
He is gentle, and loving, and caring and knows what to say, but sexually, boy oh boy, he is rough and I love it. I froze, entranced in my wondrous view of his face instead.

I am a bit jealous of him.

I wish I could articulate better with deeper emotions like he does, instead of being decent at surface conversations. I wish I could maintain relationships with others. I used to be ok with that, but college has been a bad situation for that, and I've dragged down college and high school relationships. I wish I could hide as much as him like my eyes wouldn't betray every single emotion running through my head because that just means I have to bare my soul to plenty of other people, and I hate being open with anyone but him.

I built the walls around my heart up so high, so now that I have fallen, I fell hard and fast, falling into the deep dark unknown below, but I am nonetheless enthralled by the prospect of being with him.

SLUT TM

You know what's the worst part about that word? Believing it for yourself.

Actually, that isn't the worst. The worst would be branding it on yourself. *insert my name here* the Slut TM. And then proceeding to actually etch it on to yourself using a hot knife.

I looked at my wrist today as I was rethinking life. I'm not sure if I was considering suicide again, or just reminiscing about my cutting days, but I saw that burn mark remaining there and it scared me.

I was frightened so much of what I was capable of doing in my rash states, I just sat there in shock.

The darkened scarred skin looks all too real, but it has healed so it is not too noticeable. Only my memories plague most of my mind.

Smelling burning skin sucks but the sound is somewhat comforting, with the slight sizzle and pop. That is scary how much I like this. I should stop.

I feel like I am on a roller coaster of hating myself, and then going and loving someone else. and sometimes that ends up coinciding and I don't like the way that is.

I feel worse that I want to hurt myself because of the fact that it hurts the people around me. I don't want to hurt you, but sometimes it is like an addiction I can't help. But I promise you, I am trying my hardest to not hurt myself. I am trying my hardest to talk through it, rather than reaching for that knife that sounds oh so comforting right now.

I really don't want to hurt you or be followed around by such labels, because those honestly hurt as much as my scars and how my self-harm hurts others.

NOTE TO SELF. DON'T LABEL YOURSELF A SLUT. YOU ARE WHAT YOU BELIEVE, AND EVEN YOUR PSYCHOLOGiST HAS TOLD YOU TO NOT BELIEVE YOU ARE A SLUT BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T SHOWN CRAZY SIGNS. STOP IT, SELF. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT!

Speech

May First
The day they both talked to me.
Mandy and G
First a semi-snarky comment, then something normal.
But then again, I might be overanalyzing the snark because of prior bias.
First, it was "Wow your alarm is super annoying, it keeps going off" and then "Bless you" from Mandy.
Then it was "Are you really eating batter" to which I replied "yes... it's eggless so it's ok" and then he proceeds to ask about other things.


Normal conversation is weird.
I remembered how much I hate people, but I love being around certain few, and that makes it ok.
Currently, I'm great with M, Erik, Shu, Clo, and the kinda sorta honors friends and like more normal Redwood people. I'm like a pendulum with K. I'm not terrible with Gav, Ben, Nicks, Kris, Bill. I'd rather not be around Squad A, but hey that's life.

You gotta deal with others, and I'm learning how to do that. Start with small speech stuff, and make your way bigger. You can do it, girl. I have faith in you. (not really, but I'm trying to)

The Same

Everyone is so much of the same, yet different.
Yes, I have a repeat history.
Erik has done it. Nicky has done it. M almost did. My first bf did it.

Cheating.

The first time, I was too blind to realize how my relationship with S could be anything more. I guess I counted a physical act as cheating at the time, and since there was no real physical touch meant to be romantic or a kiss or anything further.

The second time, I didn't even want to be in that relationship at the time and was looking for a way out. And then I willingly went for the other guy, who I admittedly had a lot more feelings for.

Eric said there are a variety of reasons behind what happened.

However, the reason I felt that way was cause I felt like I knew that people have reasons why they cheat. Everyone wants to just call them assholes and shit and yes, they did a horrible and shitty thing. Their reason for it might be dumb or it might have merit to it. In either case, it’s still cheating.

So yes, my reasoning is probably the dumb one.

The first time, I felt like G and I were over because we had basically ended it when he kinda ignored the fact that I wanted him to be more attentive/ less distant and nothing changed whatsoever. We barely talked for the 3 weeks prior to the first break up, well more like I wanted to talk or be there and he always wanted to be with squad so like we would never really talk. I went out with S that Saturday, and it wasn't supposed to be romantic, and then at the end of the night I got vibes that he wanted to kiss me so I ran to my car and was like NOPE. Then the car ride home, I made up a lie to make myself feel worse. I told myself, hey you did this and you now really want to date him because he is sweet and will not ignore you like G does and you're super attracted to him. Yes I did like him my freshman year of high school, as like the oh hey someone in charge (not really) paying attention to me, but not like "like like" him. I got over that super fast when he wanted to get with like all of my guard friends. But I guess I always felt bad for everyone hating him because he was in the same place with being bullied by dumb Metuchenites, so I was always super nice to him.

Right. Back to the story. Car ride home. Dumb lies. So I went straight to the people I thought I could trust the most. Fucking "Actual Squad" Our HS trio. The reason I still missed HS. And I told them I feel bad for going out with S. Truth is, I didn't feel bad because I still wanted to be friends and I ran before anything actually happened. But in order to lie to yourself, you have to lie to others too to make sure they continue the lie back to yourself.

I came home from a night out with S

And I feel weird

Facebook User

why?

Ayushi

I feel like I'm emotionally cheating

Idk

M

M

Woah how come

U think u like S?

??

Ayushi

I think so

Idk

I'm so confused

Facebook User

nooooooo

not s noooo

Ayushi

There's so many emotions rn

Truth is, I felt hella empty. I didn't want to deal with people. But the easiest mask and cure for emptiness is forcing human interaction, so that is what I did. I deepened the lie by saying how I would rather date S than G. And then they told me how G was not good for me and how I needed someone who wouldn't ignore me/be distant like my 2nd boyfriend repeatedly did. And I think that is what I wanted from them, the push to break up with him. I suck at break ups, and I don't want to hurt feelings, but I guess he seemed so unattached/distant already, I didn't realize it would actually affect him at all. But then Mandy had to tell G, which makes sense, but Girl Code just died there. Yet my dumbass self continued to talk to her about boys (like G) after all of that happened. I just don't learn.

So I continued talking to S until things fell apart 3 days later. I think it is my low-key pity talking that makes me not want to stop talking to him, and like sometimes, he was a good friend. So I guess I didn't actually think it was cheating because I didn't want anything to happen, even though there was flirting because that's how we interacted since freshman year, even while I was in the relationship with my second bf.

I still don't know why I didn't tell him about G before. Wait, thats a lie. I didn't want to say anything in front of Mandy when he first asked, and then after that, we were in public places and I didn't feel like dealing with drama like certain people overhearing. And IDK, I think I also wasn't really proud of the relationship. Like I didn't want it in the air because I knew on the inside it wouldn't be a good relationship from the beginning.

I resorted to lists like these to determine whether he was good, and honestly, neither of them fit as much as M does, so why would I ever settle. Part of me knew I wasn't worthy of anyone's love and care, and so I just wanted a quick fix when I knew I wouldn't be able to get anything more. So I settled, and I shouldn't have. S fit it more than G did so it worked for my lies to myself and Mar and Mandy. LOL when Mandy said that she didn't think either of them could ever be boyfriend material.

Second time, is a lot more recent. I never wanted to actually be in that relationship, but I was afraid of taking a life away, so I never really said no, or every time I started, I saw the hurt, and then shut myself up and became a total yes-girl. I hate myself for that. Then M and I watched a movie, and I realized how much I wanted it, but I wasn't sure if I should go for it, so I guess again with the emotional cheating, but I didn't initiate physical cheating. I think that was my way of absolving myself from blame, but honestly, I hate myself every day for doing the things I did.

So we have all messed up, some physically, some mentally, some both. And like Erik said, we get called assholes, but it isn't right to judge anyone or hate them indefinitely for their acrtions because everyone fucks up. I don't hate G anymore for the hurtful things he said, I just know that I need to distance myself from him before I fall apart again. I don't hate Mandy for blocking me and telling my parents, though I often wish she didn't have that needy sense to spill everything to everyone, because I also know I need distance from her. Sure, I may still get panic attack near them, but I'm working on it. We are all the same, yet different, and I come from a place of forgiveness. I wish others saw the same.