And I post this a week after packing up my dorm in college. (But I'm editing this the first week of June) (and again in the 2nd week of June)
“My life is over. Behind”
I came into college thinking my life would be so much better with more freedom. I wouldn't have security cameras pointed at me at all times, parents tracking my keystrokes on my computer, or keep me under house arrest in an alarmed home. In that sense, yes it was better.
My parents always yelled at me for being too trusting. "Why can't you be like your sister and actually be street smart?"
I thought I was strong but really,
“I am a runner. That's what I do. That's who I am. Running is all I know, or want, or care about.”
I hate running honestly. Cardio is a form of torture, and I prefer muscle toning to being out of breath and heavy breathing. But seriously now. Every time people get closer than I want them to, I run. I run mentally into my cardboard refrigerator box. I run physically away from the invaders and towards others. I run with arms wide open towards danger and try to be as self-destructive as possible.
So starting this school year, I tried to be more open, hoping I could change. I told Mandy about self-harm. (She replied with the fact I am causing her stress.) I told G that I wasn't feeling ok mentally. (He laughed, holy fuck, he laughed. I read another thing on 6/5 about relationships and PTSD. It mentioned a very similar thing causing PTSD for the girl, but the guy had just ignored her. I would have preferred being ignored. At least that way nothing would have changed. He could have stayed just as emotionally distant. I'm used to being ignored by people, because deep down I know I'm not worthy of any respect. But laughing hurt the worst. My first boyfriend (who I still don't feel comfortable calling my rapist even though that is what I've been told I should do) constantly berated me especially for the things that I thought I was good at. This is why I don't take compliments about my education well; he was the one to tell me that everyone was just lying to me and that I had no worth and everyone hated me and I should never bring grades up because all it does is make others feel bad about their grades. Then he consistently blackmailed me into helping him with his homework (which was more like "Hey I gotta leave to go out. Have this done before I come back so then I can study for the test that we both have tomorrow while you go and do extra work. This is what you get for flaunting your good grades" when all I did was answer his question when he told me.) So I compartmentalized there. Laughing at me was just another reminder of what he did. Then being distant too, just another reminder of the second boyfriend. He claimed he didn't have time for me and needed to study. He also berated me for doing well in my classes despite being a senior in a magnet school. Meanwhile, he was off with another girl. Deep down I knew both of them betrayed me but I didn't want to believe it until I received confirmation this year, but I needed to be out of that relationship before the 3rd one followed suit. So to you right now, I'm sorry if I act irrationally and clingy if you're distant. I will try to tell you what I am feeling instead of waddling it off and compartmentalizing again. Whoa, that was too long of a tangent.) I bawled to Erik that one night (and I think I just made it more awkward because he still had feelings for me). I opened up to M, mostly through here, and sometimes that leaves me a little more vulnerable and scared af. (And now I'm constantly fighting with myself, trying to figure out what is too much like they said. I bawled to him last week as a side effect of self depreciation and self-hatred, and it bothered me since. I don't like the vulnerability involved, nor do I like being dependent sometimes, but I also don't want to repeat my bottling up which blew up any close relationships I've had. Shoe said that M should be my support for everything, and be willing to listen to everything, but isn't that too much of a burden for someone? Especially if it has to do with me, because I know I'm burdensome. I think I need to go back to therapy again, but I don't know how that will go. A bit too much of a charge there.)
“It's disturbing how fast weeds take root in my garden of worthiness.
They're so hard to pull.
And grow back so easily.”
I am so sorry I hate myself so much that it is bringing you down. I remember when we were kids, my friends and I would always try to look out of the peepholes, but we were too short to reach them. One person would have to go on their hands and knees and support the others who wanted to climb up. I always volunteered right away to be closest to the floor, because that's where I saw myself fit to belong.
“I wipe away my tears and nod, because the pain in my leg is nothing compare to the one in my heart.”
I can volunteer to give myself pain to lift others up, and now I want to do the same by shutting up my feelings. Look at me though, I am friends with none of them anymore, but I don't want to lose the closest few to me now, so I am trying to not shut it in too much. I just need to figure out where my filter should begin, and if you have any input, please tell me, because honestly, I am so lost right now.
Because of everything, I think I'm just worried everyone sees me just as those closest to me saw me forever ago, trash. I know I shouldn't care, but I can't help the panic and fear that comes along with judgment and alienation. I am trying to be ok, but please tell me if I ever become too much to handle. If anything is an issue, I'd rather deal with it on good terms rather than confusion. And I will always try to be as truthful as possible, and if not in person, it will be through here.
So with my eyes tearing up once again, all I ask is this:
"Don't sum up the person based on what you see, or what you don't understand; get to know them.”
And I hope this can be followed, but we all know college students and brown girls and gossip...
